Biblio Fashionista

Facebook is killing the blog

2009-04-27T19:30:00.001-05:00

Not sure what the solution is, but I'll try to stop the other addiction and get back here.

Word on my street

2009-02-16T21:07:00.000-06:00

No time for a big narrative, but here are some little noshy updates:

Weezy and 50 Cent are still at it – Hip Hop beefs continue!

Won ugly sweater contest (or as the German calls it, the “dirty” sweater contest). I think I did a good job pulling off the whole Christopher Banks (hideous hideous hideous mall store)/Dynasty look with my animal/dollhead embellished sweater and side pony with big bangs. J didn’t even recognize me and she walked by me TWICE! I was also a judge. And I voted for myself. I guess you’d call that kickin’ it old Chicago skool style.

Chewbacca suffers a woozy spell (see James Wolcott’s blog)

Psycho spitting, licking, eating plant dirt dude in hoodie sweatshirt terrorizes the Library on Thursday afternoon

Fairly successful film shoot last Saturday as wealthy pick-pocketer wearing fur coat and hat at the Badger state winter games.

Blue candies should be BANNED! No blue M&Ms, no blue Jolly Rancher (wine candy). What are these people thinking?

Fun Perkins clown car adventure with juicy old school music, cramps and screaming.

I’m with Slate – what’s up G? with the Gatorade commercials???

Ate recalled Coop cookies, but am still alive. It’s a miracle! I still think “death by Co-op cookie” sounds like my death.

Now my “acting/film” expertise is being requested yet again to help with some cockeyed idea my friend, B, and his friend, E, have cooked up. It involved Norwegians, Nigerians, prostitutes and a bus. That’s all I can say about it.

Somethin's cookin' in the kitchen

2009-01-26T22:27:00.001-06:00

Blago doesn't fail to entertain, does he? The theatrical lunacy continues and now Burris is screeching, "Rod, you owe me one!" uh, yeah, he does? And Oprah, "I could be senator..." uh…. and G-Rod, umm…well, this is what he told NBC, "I thought about Mandela, Dr. King and Gandhi and tried to put some perspective to all this and that is what I am doing now." Yeah, he’s now taking it to the streets of New York (must have forgotten to write down that his impeachment trial started today) and hitting the talk show circuit lookin’ for some lovin’ since the people of Illinois aren’t given him any. It just gets better and better. Can't wait for tomorrow.

Yeah, so like that Christian Lander dude who wrote the blog “stuff white people like,” which is now a book, is pretty funny, but let’s be honest – ain’t no whitties with no money going to Whole Foods or taking yoga. Give me a break! But, he’s got us pegged. Gentrification timeline [indie coffee shop opens, Starbucks opens, protest, warehouses converted into lofts, neighborhood now has trendy name, organic coop opens, transient hotel renovated, etc.], diversity, bottled water, gifted children, vintage, film festivals, Japan, brunch, trying too hard, natural childbirth, scarves, etc. There’s a quiz in the back and it turns out I’m 52ish% white.

Speaking of being white, I’ve been eating these Trader Joe’s Great Tasting Sea Gummies Omega-3 with DHA Dietary Supplements like they’re crack. Seriously, my pores (and pee) are oozing this weird fish oil component. They have me pegged (and every other 8 year old). It’s most certainly the sucrose, fumaric acid, citric acid crystals, and the salvia hispanica seed extract that taste so fucking good. It’s kinda out of control. I foresee a trip to the ER - soon.

Arlene Croce’s essay, “Balanchine said…” in the latest New Yorker (another white people activity) was an interesting look at Balanchinisms, but the one I still can’t figure out is, “I am not a man, but a cloud in trousers.” This is attributed to a poet, I believe, or philosopher, I think (so good I am at retaining material), but I haven’t a clue what it means. Someone fill me in?

Auctioning off faculty and staff

2009-01-21T19:15:00.002-06:00

The Onion had a blurb about GM auctioning off some of its cars in an effort to gain capital. It occurred to me that this might be a fruitful way for our little campus to gain some capital given continuous and annoying budget constraints. Putting my librarian skillz to work, I also discovered that people auction off all sorts of interesting things, such as virginity, college degrees and anything resembling the Virgin Mary. I’m not quite sure what our faculty would fetch in an auction given such specialized skill sets and strange hobbies (not to mention a lot of peculiarities on the social scale), but I think it’s worth a try. It is certainly a more sound idea in attempting to fix the perpetual salary compression issue than determining who gets the extra change pooped out from the vending machines on campus.

Since I’ve been on a blog hiatus for four months, here are some updates in descending order:

Update: While the inauguration brought both hope and cynicism (read Pravda.ru) for many, I thought I’d focus on the dos and don’ts of some of the “fashion/style” I saw in my brief in and out checks throughout the day.

Diane Feinstein’s hair: I know many people were so completely distracted by her hair that they couldn’t even pay attention to what was going on. I’m not sure if she has a stylist (is there something like a Congressional Stylist?), but it was frightful, with the worst burnt curling iron rings at the end of her sensible Congressional bob and bangs resembling the letter “C.” Why do women in government typically have a penchant for wanting to resemble [fill in the blank]? I recommend a short layered non-step shag with lowlights, and toss that curling iron immediately if not sooner.

Aretha: Okay, so I’ve heard the hat was “so Aretha,” but seriously. That rhinestone studded gray plaster of paris bow was bigger than her head, and the Queen has got quite the head. It was utterly distracting and garish. I would have preferred a ghettoed- out Detroit church hat with crazy feathers, crazy colors and some sass.

Jill Biden. Nice job. Natural hair. Cute red coat. Knees showing with a classy black boot. It worked. Diane, you can learn from her. Take notes.

Update: Sitting at the reference desk (1/21 6:54 pm) listening to some stupid Goth chic with eggplant dyed hair giggling - every 2 minutes – at something on her screen. Jesus. Shut up.

Update: Still in love with James Wolcott, Peter Hessler and David Sedaris (some things never change).

Update: Good Christmas (here) and excellent winter break in Chicago despite hazardous driving there taking me 8 hours to get to south side. Saw many many people and loved hanging out in the city. Miss city and Chicago friends more than ever. Considered staying and just visiting here on the weekends. Realized the German and parentals would likely not appreciate this. Friends here would also likely be upset, but it would only last about 15 minutes and could easily be cured with a pint and brat.

Update: (1/21 7:04 pm) Still annoyed by giggling Goth girl with eggplant hair.

Update: Considering incorporating Larry David’s excuses for not wanting to attend things, such as “I’ve got a Klan (or NAMBLA) meeting that night,” or “I’m not going to think about it” when someone asks (or begs) you to think about it.

Update: Obsessed with the “Kosher Sutra” and the magazine “Jewish Living”

Update: Compliment from friend’s 19-year-old son on my 14-year-old burgundy skateboarder pants that he said “looked cool” on me.

Update: (1/21 7:47 pm) Annoying Goth girl with eggplant hair just left. I guess there is hope. Temporarily.

Resurrection

2009-01-17T19:53:00.000-06:00

This blog may be coming back to life. Stay tuned...

MIA

2008-09-06T07:33:00.002-05:00

This blog is soon to be dead in the water. It may morph into something else. I'll keep you posted.

"I love Cheetos so much it kind of makes my butt hurt."

2008-06-19T13:39:00.001-05:00

Favorite line from Elizabeth Berg's new collection, "The Day I Ate Whatever I Wanted."

Y'alls ass is craxy!

2008-05-30T08:11:00.006-05:00

Happy Third Year Blog Anniversary to Bibfash!!

I don’t know which is worse: watching all 22 chapters of R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet” catastrophic urban rap opera manifesto or the fact that this lame blog has not been updated since April 21. [short pause] Yeah, I’m going with R. Kelly. Let’s start with the plot and its “undertow of emotion” as commenter #37 on IMDB mentioned. This kaleidoscopic soap opera takes place in a McMansion in Olympia Fields, IL and Chicago’s West Side. The cast of characters handles each episode of hardship “Christian-like” with a smack down of semi-automatic weapons pointed gangbanger style at people’s heads. What was most amazing during these pistol takes was that cell phones were ringing off the hook, and answering your cell phone seems to take precedence over a gun pointed at your temple. I can’t really imagine what kind of phone call would be more pressing than being blown up into pieces, but then again I’m not part of R. Kelly’s kaleidoscopic rap culture.

It would be a disservice to attempt to provide my “readers” with a critical commentary, character sex map or rhetorical analysis of Kelly’s oeuvre, so my suggestion would be to pull up to the computer with a soothing Courvoisier and Coke, a pack of Kools, and take it all in. However, I will provide snippets from Dr. Thorpe’s glossary of terms and essay questions for those of you who have studied this work and are interested in testing your knowledge:

Glossary of Difficult Words and Phrases:

Beretta: Refers to a band of handgun manufactured in the USA.
Shuh, shuh: Cathy makes this sound to indicate to R. Kelly that he should be quiet.
Shit is going down: Bad things are going to happen.
She deserves an Oscar: R. Kelly is implying that Cathy deserves an Academy Award for her deception of her husband.
Put it on Vibrate: Silencing a cellular phone so that it vibrates instead of ringing
Bogus shit: Unpleasant business.
Mack shit: The lies of an insincere womanizer.
Deep shit: A difficult situation.
Y’alls ass is crazy: Your entire ass is crazy.
Bitch, please: Used to express disbelief of a woman’s words.
Baby, you gonna be breathless: I am going to beat you until you are dead.

Identify the character who spoke each of these lines:

1. “That’s right, nigga, I was there.”
2. “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark”
3. “God, please don’t let this man open the closet.”
4. “Don’t give me that mack shit please.”
5. “Oh my goodness, I’m about to climax.”

Essay questions:

1. Why does Chuck look for R. Kelly under the dresser? How big do you imagine the dresser to be?
2. In Chapter 4, what does R. Kelly mean by “a tear fell up out my eye?”
3. When R. Kelly’s wife is describing the string of friends that led to the policeman and an altercation with her brother, Twan, who is Tina and how does she fit into this scenario?

Subject Keywords: Operetta, R&B, Midget, Homosexuality, Cherry Pie, Jealousy, Pimp, Diner, Aria, Gangsters, Questioning, Extramarital Affairs, Police Officer, Christianity, Waitress

Refresh. Reformat. Reconfigure.

2008-04-21T22:59:00.000-05:00

How will this blog continue to compete in the global Web 2.0 world? Seriously. It’s old school, lame, uncool, unhip and all that. While social networking sins have sucked us up in the vortex of voyeuristic behavior (including my recent addiction to Face(shit)book and my yearning to tap into Second Life), I believe those editorial Sirs at the Economist have accurately predicted that Facebook, MySpace, and all the other existing social networking tools are exactly what CompuServe, Prodigy and AOL were a decade ago. Will the fad last? I foresee it will, but in a dynamically morphed form that continues to grow in this socially crazy networking globe.

Speaking of fads, here are Andre’s top trends of the moment:

1) Fashion inspired by Japanese school girls, Corps de ballet troupes, Asian horror flicks, and Jean Birkin’s daughter.
2) Calvin Klein’s Parma shoe (everyone knows this. Good luck finding a pair)
3) Christian Louboutin’s excruciatingly difficult to get on 6-inch heel thigh-high boots (at $1,790 should they be that difficult???)
4) Spidey stockings
5) Silk shantung sheath dresses
6) Anything inspired by Isabel and Ruben Toledo (retrospective coming to FIT in 2009)
7) 1960s Pucci blue plastic hoop earrings
8) Reading a book – in paper
9) French manicures (these wretched things are back again????)
10) Discontinued perfumes from France

WS/LGBTGIF and sometimes Y

2008-04-07T22:11:00.004-05:00

I learned ---------------- at the conference:

- that “toilet training” isn’t necessarily what it appears to be on the surface
- that pscyhotropolis doesn’t cure depression
- that breakfast isn’t free when you have the state hotel rate
- that I’m woefully behind in understanding the intersex community
- that Patty LaBelle’s, Lady Marmalade, does sound better when sung during karaoke night at a lesbian bar in Green Bay, WI by a Superior/ex-Lutheran English Prof (acrobatically doing backbends while singing), and a Serbian/Danville, IL English Prof. named “Scott.”
- that discrepancies in how WS programs are administered across the UW system are quite vast
- that Lady Garmin can really get you around
- that crashing the New Plastics session or the Blood Donors Appreciation luncheon were tempting
- that I do not subscribe to the touchy feely approach in creating policies (like the Kofi Annan little boy dead bird African 25 year old lady story)
- that you can survive a 6 hour meeting with increased amounts of water and snacks
- that I will likely never forget the karaoke night at the lesbian bar in Green Bay where a Superior/ex-Lutheran English Prof (acrobatically doing backbends while singing), and a Serbian/Danville, IL English Prof. named “Scott” performed Patty LaBelle’s, Lady Marmalade.

Rejiggering the local economy

2008-03-31T22:22:00.005-05:00

I stopped at the Cedar Creek Mall before my writing group on Sunday (totally ROCKED - writing group – ‘cause we talked about romance novels, and M gave us several “sexy times” pages to read for ideas for her romance smack down chapter coming up. WOO HOO! I can’t wait to dive into those) to see if Bass Outlet had any “cool” shoes (yes, this statement is filled with self pity and remorse for those of you who have access to real shoes), and surprise, surprise, they did not. They did have plenty-o middle-aged mom pastel and cropped pant spring wear coordinates though with matching faux-leather handbags that don’t zip properly.

Strangely, the mall parking lot was PACKED to the gills, an odd site for empty mall syndrome that seems to be spreading around here (for the better I think). Turns out that the lawn, tractor and fertilizer show was going on and I’ve never seen so much farmer-type gear and farmer-type arts & crafts – like decorative mirrors shaped into John Deere earth moving equipment and shit like that. And, of course, those sweet toasted almonds and cashew Almond Tree kiosks seemed to be everywhere (the competition was selling pecans).

Somehow I wound up in this new store called Steve & Barry (I think I was pushed in there by some tractor field device or it was the aroma of toasted almonds) and I was literally mesmerized walking around that place like I had landed on some alien space station. First of all, the price point for everything (AND I MEAN EVERY SINGLE ITEM IN THAT STORE) is $8.98: down coats, shoes, evening wear, a pair of socks, a t-shirt, earrings, purses, etc. How did they come up with this $8.98??? Is the stuff made out of leftover toxic sludge in those sweatshops in Asian places? Plus, they have “designers,” such as Sarah Jessica Parker (Bitten is her line), Amanda Bynes (Dear is her line – who is this chick?), and Venus Williams (ELEVEN is her line – the V is in some type of Roman numeral rap font). It’s frickin crazy in there (they have kids shit, infant shit, lady shit and man shit, too. Oh yeah, and candy). I highly recommend a trip. And, I bought a Sarah Jessica Parker necklace for $8.98. Seriously. I don’t know what to make out of the place. Here’s Steve & Barry’s story:

Steve & Barry’s® is about change. It's about changing the way that consumers shop for their clothes and changing the way that retailers cater to them. Steve & Barry’s is about stripping away the gloss and giving consumers something real. The fact is that great clothing doesn't really have to cost that much. It's a simple idea, but also a big idea—big enough, that is, to turn the industry on its ear. By delivering on our promise to provide premium apparel at impossibly low prices, Steve & Barry’s is single-handedly changing the retail landscape. We're busting the model. Steve & Barry’s significantly impacts whole communities, rejiggers shopping patterns, alters local economies, and sometimes even changes lives for the better.

I don’t know what “rejiggers” means, and I don’t know how clothing for $8.98 can make lives for the better – sometimes – but that’s what they do.

Most heinous music videos

2008-03-21T21:16:00.016-05:00

Thanks to PSM & J for this blog idea and her prompting me to reflect on two “fine” music videos of our time.

First, let me start by saying I have never understood music videos since their inception on MTV in 1981 (Anyone remember J.J. Jackson as a VJ??). Seriously. What’s the point? Music videos started as a strange montage of a band playing mixed with some poorly choreographed Debbie Allen affair that was a crossbreed of semi soft-porn dance moves with a sprinkle of Saved by the Bell flavor. Some tried to incorporate a “plot” - like gonzo pizza porns, which just never worked. At least in pizza porn there was some type of climax, but music videos? People just gawked with a furrowed brow

#1 most heinous music video
Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart (Go to YouTube to watch - 1983)

Where to start? Well, I think Jasonwinback of YouTube comment section page three said it best about Bonnie, “it gives me goosepump when she peak her voice it sound like its gonna shred.” Yes, goosepumps and shredding sounds just about right. This little delight, back from 1983 (album was "Faster than the Speed of Light"), combines a Paula Abdul Ninja ballet clad in swan wings, settings of old church facades and horny school boys, all the while Bonnie is wind swept in her Dynasty rags smothered in glossy Mary Kay cosmetics. And what can we make from the "Man from Mars" kid with neon-glowing googly eyes? It is the “gayest non-gay” video ever, as commenter #47 said on page five.

#2 most heinous music video
Animotion – Obsession (Go to YouTube to watch - 1985)

The opening of this video appears to be a Middle Eastern banana playing the symbols and then it immediately cuts to an aerobic Charlie Sheen and Tina Yothers (dressed in the finest 1980s gaudy gear) jamming out to that 4/4 beat – You are an OBSESSION! This is a strange one. Seems to take place in some posh California backyard pool with space men and Cleopatra costume clad people all fencing and pondering their reflections in the water. Purpose? It's anyone's guess. Again, at least in porn there is a climax. Couldn’t tell you what the “producer/choreographer/band” was trying to tell the audience in this clown-like pastiche of nonsense.

#3 most heinous music video
Olivia Newton John – Let’s Get Physical (Go to YouTube to watch - 1982)

My vote is good ol' Newton John doing her gay pumping routine in this classic. I think the lyrics (and my list) say it all:

Let's get animal, animal, I wanna get animal, let's get into animal, Let me hear your body talk, Your body talk, let me hear your body talk.

Pastel speedos
Bulges
Oiled muscles
Feathered hair
High-cut leotards
Aussie headbands
Aerobic crotch shots
Sweat
Copious gayness

Trifecta of political hotties?

2008-03-09T20:34:00.000-05:00

If Obama makes it all the way, I’m gonna say it’ll be a trifecta of decent looking world leaders for a change (at least in France, Russia and the States). I’d throw in Zapatero, but I think he’s too cartoonish looking. Medvedev, not bad for a Russian dude, plus his wife, Zvetlana, has got some big bogonzos on her – I’d guess a 40 DD. She’s got that Ruski nouveau riche look that’s so popular over there today. Obviously, Sarkozy has got the hottest wife hands down. Good ol’ Carla Bruni. She certainly stirs the socially elite circle tabloids, n’est pas? And Michelle’s not bad herself. So, I see a bit more fashion hipness approaching the political fore. And god knows it needs a facelift (remember Babs Bush – need I say more??).

My writing group posse and I are starting a t-shirt business. This has been in the works for some time, but we’re always looking for new ideas. If you have any, send them this way and we’ll consider. Here’s our start:

Boo Excellence!
Bring back abortions
Librarianship - it's really just fancy filing
Deus Ex Machina - The Literary Jihad
It's been a long time since you heard about monkey pox... too long.
Phyllis Christensen is a stupid whore! Pass it on.

Spring Trends

2008-03-05T09:25:00.001-06:00

What’s in:

1) Coffin chic
2) Synthetically speaking – polyester (100%)
3) Good friends
4) Emerging infectious diseases
5) Beach worthy chic gems
6) Eco inspired accessories
7) Integrity
8) Ellen Page
9) Delicate ombres
10) The wedge, strappy sandal
11) LGBTGIFQIA or PODSOI
12) Wide fishnet stockings
13) Respect
14) Viking chic

What’s out:

1) Excellence – all shapes, forms and sizes
2) The Grecian sandal
3) The appearance of being interested
4) Smoking – not again!
5) Padded bras
6) Mendaciousness
7) Hairless pussy
8) Hairless animals
9) Politics
10) Firm tofu
11) Ebola
12) Reruns of Welcome Back Kotter
13) Distress
14) Gauze skirts that smell like Patchouli

Forming Voltron of Neuroses (Part II)

2008-02-27T17:55:00.000-06:00

I just got the results back from my blood work. It was normal. This is good and bad. Good in the sense that it means I don’t have a virus or thyroid problem (I was hoping for some cutting edge/trendy disease, but I didn’t even get that). Bad in the sense that it means I’m one step closer to the MRI/Neurologist/Scary-you-have-a-brain-tumor appointment. March 10th I go to the ophthalmologist for the eye exam. I’m hoping they will find something then because otherwise I’m out of my alternative options. Or maybe it’s still just a fluke, a passing oddity, old age weirdness, start of menopause weirdness, hyperawareness of this weird oddity awareness. Who knows? I will say today was one of the worst days so far. I taught in this room (321 CCC) with these flattish stairs and I had one fucking hell of a time trying to negotiate them. I had to lean on every desk to figure out where the hell the step was. I even had a kid in the class (he was in my class a couple of years ago), ask if he could help me pass out materials because he said I looked like I was limping. I’d give anything for a limp right now! Or a pimp. Man alive. Total and complete frustration. That little German has been super kind and sweet throughout this ordeal. Last night when we were making the bed, which he is HORRIBLE at, I tried to tell him for the umpteenth time to get it right so his next girlfriend won’t be embarrassed by his lack of bed making skills. I thought it was sort of a light joke, but he didn’t think it was funny and got sort of glassy eyed and just sat there. Then I had a sad face and sat there next to him. Man, this entry is morbid and maudlin. Yuck.

Forming Voltron of Neuroses

2008-02-23T13:46:00.001-06:00

I’m pretty sure I have MS, Lemierre’s Syndrome or the Ebola virus. I have been experiencing very strange equilibrium/balance issues, tingling and numbness in my arms and legs, memory problems and bladder issues. All of these combined equal one of those above. I flipped out yesterday, but today I’m more calm. It’s a serious professional hazard having access to the Merck Manual, PDR, Mayo Clinic Manual, MedLine and Cinahl. I’ve self-diagnosed all three of these life threatening ones. Luckily, I’ll be visiting my pink-suede-clad Frau Doktor on Tuesday.

I told my parents last night at dinner that I have MS. They are now sufficiently worried, too, but my mother also gave me the riot act for the self diagnosis and wrote it off as a passing oddity. My father also told me not to worry, but reminded me that he’s also a pessimist, so he understood my fear and conviction. We’re more in sync on that end.

I wonder if my friends will still accept me if I have MS or some other deadly or debilitating disease. My guess is some will write me off once I can’t keep pace, or they will accept me as one of their token “special” friends, like having a tranny or paraplegic as part of the “circle.” Time will only tell.

Speaking of deadly and/or debilitating diseases, there was a table up yesterday at our student union with a poster hanging that said, “College Students Against Cancer.” It was a fundraiser. I’m always perplexed by these statements. As if there is a “College Students For Cancer” group or “College Students For Child Abuse.” What is that? It’s just as bad as the political platforms where candidates say they’re “pro education!” What the fuck.

B.O.C.D.D. Called!

2008-02-19T21:41:00.003-06:00

Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My man, CDD (creamy, dreamy and delicious) frickin' wins this cheesehead state. HOT DAMN!!!

Keep it rockin, baby. Keep it rockin.

Plus, I heard he was at our local YMCA working out this morning or yesterday morning. What the fuck, man?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I TOTALLY would have been there right next to him gittin' some elliptical if you know what I mean....SNAP!

In other news...

Um, here's a reference question I got today:

"Can you please tell me where I can find lots of pictures and images of beautiful things from many different cultures?"

I just sit and stare when I'm asked shit like this. It takes me like 5 minutes to even gather a response.

Fred dropped off a Nestle Crunch bar – bless you

That Cuban dude retired

My mother is a nervous nelly nutcase (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree).

Spinnovations

2008-02-17T19:30:00.004-06:00

I missed the ugly sweater party, but I have to say, I think my sweater looked pretty kick ass! The German and I overdid on Saturday, and when 7:00 rolled around, we were too pooped. Anyway, I embellished my sweater by sewing on two doll heads that the German got me for Christmas - Diana Ross and Cheryl Tiegs - and I placed them in the mouths of the leopard and tiger appliqués adorning my 1980s ladies sweater. It was a “Victoria Harbour” design. The theme of my sweater was "survival of the fittest.” It also had giant ill-fitting shoulder pads. Don’t worry, I’m still gonna wear it one of these days.

Where am I now? The fucking reference desk. What day is it? Fucking Sunday. Why am I here? Because I have to fucking be here. What should I be doing? Working on my Women's Studies stuff, prepping for classes this week, updating the VRD, ordering books. What am I really doing? Writing this blog entry. Did I walk here like a sane person would in the umpteen inches of snow? No, I fucking drove, like a complete buffoon ‘cause I was feeling lazy. Are there people here tonight? You better fucking believe it. Sappy young students, reeking of booze, togged up in PJs with agitated expressions - all “working” on their assignments and writing on their friends’ walls. But there is one gleaming light to being here right now - that beautiful young male student who has been hanging out in the Library for at least the last four years. I’ve been crushed out on him for a long time. Snap! And of course I didn’t take a shower, I have some stupid fucking hat on because my “winter hair” hat is missing and it is FREAKING ME OUT, I have a giant zit on my lip, I smell like dried cum, and I’m wearing my Wishbone t-shirt with an angry dog on the front. Dang it!

Nikolaj Hubbe danced his farewell performance with the New York City Ballet the other day. That is completely miserable news. He was so beautiful. Jesus. He performed Apollo and some hideous Peter Martins ballet (okay, someone tell me why Martins’ stuff is so shitty? Seriously. I think I liked Calcium Light Night, which was his first shot at choreography back in 1979, and since then it’s been like a series of stupid center ballet class combinations just thrown together with inappropriately chosen music. Balanchine must be rolling around in his grave wishing he hadn’t left him at the helm. Wretched). Anyway, Nikolaj was breathtaking on stage. I’m sad he retired.

So, what are you cheeseheads going to do on Tuesday? You’re going to vote for Obama – ‘cause he’s creamy, dreamy and delicious!!!!!!!!!!!!

You’ve got some Clintonalia Obamaian McSplaining to do!

2008-02-07T20:51:00.000-06:00

I’m putting the feelers out to see if I should compose – yet again – a letter to the editor for the local paper (which can be read in less than 20 seconds) supporting BO (BAD INITIALS!). I know many of you think of me as some superficial half-baked mix of fake-squad tactics and celebrity watcher whoredom, but I can actually craft a semi-serious political piece when I’m in the mood (like after booze and heroin).

Here’s the problem: I wrote a rather passionate letter to the editor when the whole domestic partnership fiasco was being voted on and those fuckers never published it, and I was annoyed. So, do I get worked up and spend time writing another letter, albeit a different topic, knowing it may not be published and knowing I’ll end up reading some crap God letter from some dip shit drunk fucker from Bancroft?

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna write a letter focusing on Obama’s cream-in-your-pants factor (well, not entirely), and I’m not going to criticize Clinton’s facial topography (BUT I MAY REMIND PEOPLE THAT SHE VOTED FOR THE WAR) or McCain’s Hanoi Hilton stint, and I’ll even give you BOs “call to hope” as corndog rhetoric, but I’m backing him and that’s my story (and I’ll throw in some real shit, like stats and shit, being the good little librarian I am).

Should I take the dive? Spend my time? Work my dime? Make it rhyme?

Switching gears
I just sent ol’ mumsy an email notification that I would be conducting an eco-audit of her house and lifestyle ways (hold on the phone is ringing………………………….it’s mumsy……………………………………………).

Mumsy’s reply to my email was, “Oh jesus! Good bye.”

Ten minutes later, new email from mumsy:

"I refuse to use washcloths for napkins and bar soap is drying and leaves serious soap scum on everything which means endless scrubbing. I agree about using cloth or other grocery bags - we just always forget them. I refuse to give up the trash bags! Don't even think about it!"

She's gonna be in for a surprise! Crazy woman.

The Buttfucked World of Advertising

2008-02-05T20:28:00.000-06:00

Developmentally Challenged Observation
I’m still talking like I’m challenged, and I must say that people at the reference desk were much nicer to me today. Pretty interesting. I may have to whip out that lispy/drooly voice when I want people to treat me with kindness.

My New Administrator Role
Interestingly, in my new WS role, I’ve done lots of signing of various documents. I’m starting to wonder if this is a big part of administration – your signature. Why don’t they include that when they run ads? “Successful candidate must be able to provide signature in support of confidential and complex administrative documents.” That’s really what it should say. They don’t seem to emphasize the signature enough.

My Movie Career
OMG! I totally found out what my role will be in this local movie I’m gonna be in. I can’t really give the plot away, but I’ll give you snippets of the setting, which include a Wal-Mart parking lot, a recreational vehicle (RV), transients (maybe even transsexuals!), cheap booze and thrift shop clothes. I’M SO EXCITED!!!!!!

The Buttfucked World of Advertising
I’m thinking about taking an ad out on those shopping cart baskets. My friend’s husband who works in the insurance industry (isn’t that dreadful enough?) has an ad on what seems to be every shopping cart, and I find it distracting. It’s hard to shop when this guy I know is just staring at me. I wonder how much it costs? For some reason I think it would be super funny for me to take out one of those ads, like with one of my drunken disco pictures, and have the copy read “Don’t drink and read! You could look like this!!” or something of that flavor. I’m gonna look into that. It’s a BITCHIN’ idea!

Speaking of ads, I will list the WORST local TV commercials that make me crazy:

1) Papillion’s Pizza – Nasty looking food, drinks that are blue, families that all looked like they slept with each other, horrible jingle, annoying voices, etc. Yuck!
2) Redfield Law Offices – Jesus. I think I’ve seen this guy on the street a couple of times. Granted I don’t know him, but he looks like a total sleeze. Man alive!
3) Any bank or credit union commercial – Actually, this is an industry I simply don’t understand at all. For such a small town, we have at least 2 or 3 banks or credit unions on every corner. What’s up with that? Isn’t everything in banking automated these days? Do we need 3 banks in one block? Aside from that, these commercials inevitably have some poor sappy spokesperson who talks like they’re in a complete zombie state, but my favorite is when the camera scans into each cube showing all the “happy” employees with their atrocious hairdos, bad glasses, stiff and unnatural posture, Fleet Farm “business casual” wear, and plastered fake cheese smiles just dying to help YOU OUR TREASURED CUSTOMER!!!!!!!!!! Man alive! Someone needs to hire a stylist and a director. I have a feeling they get most of their “air talent” from Rapids. Man alive again!!!

Questions:

1) Who thinks I should go for the shopping cart ad?

2) What local ads make you buggy?

3) Who thinks Sam Lutfi drugged Spears?

Dental Smackdown! (title courtesy of PSM)

2008-02-02T20:51:00.000-06:00

So like right at this moment I have a large piece of cotton hanging out of my mouth that is soaked in Milk of Magnesia. I have a washcloth next to the keyboard to catch the milky drool. I’m also wearing a dirty bathrobe with my dangling boobs underneath because I’ve gone “sans bra” tonight, and I have greasy hair and dark bags under my eyes. Pretty? U betcha!

This is like shitcrazy ridiculous! Jesus. It wasn’t even the procedure itself (root canal, pins inserted into brain, building up broken tooth and filling, temp crown), but it’s the wretched aftermath of a cut tongue and breakout of canker sores under my tongue that have made me speechless. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Wow, she can’t talk?!!?!?!?!? TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!! The German is certainly in a state of ecstasy right now.

According to “Tooth Booth Dental Blog,” there are four types of dental fear:

1) Specific fear
2) Loss of control
3) Catastrophe
4) GAD (General Anxiety Disorder)

What about 5) after the procedure anxiety disorder? Like, I totally don’t want to go back to get the real crown because I may be out for weeks!!!! I already took two days off this week, and I almost never take off work’cause I’m sick. This is the first time in 6 years that I didn’t teach my classes at the Library. Totally SUX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, there is no cure for these frickin’ canker sores and cut tongue. It just “takes time.” Oh yeah, the cut tongue was sort of a combination of the dentist’s slip and me jerking in my chair during some moment of gagging after two plus hours of sitting there. And god knows I’ve certainly had canker sores before, but not like a mustard gas explosion of them.

I’m continuing the various remedies I’ve read about and what the dentist told me to do: Ibuprofen, ice, salt water gargles, peroxide rinses, non-SLS toothpaste, Milk of Magnesia or Maalox, and various assorted Orabase topical ointments.

I stupidly tried to eat a Swedish Fish yesterday. Man, that was a dumbass mistake. I held it in my hand for a few minutes to get it soft (kinda like we used to put Nestle’ Crunch bars on the back of the old tube TV sets so they would melt and we’d lick it right off the foil. Good times!), and then I tried to slowly suck/chomp on the right side, but man alive! Total disaster. The only shit I’ve been able to eat is mac & cheese and ice cream. These foods require no giant jaw chomping, no spice, and swallows pretty easily.

I can still type though. Hence, this long-ass boring email about my teeth. I have been productive at home though: Reading, working on an article, responding to my gazillion 60-70 email messages per day, working on my creative writing piece about Mari, laundry, thinking about more ways I can be eco-friendly in my house (like not washing myself for three days…mmmm mmmmm good!), and ordering a “Barackolicious” t shirt.

My new eco-friendly ways

2008-01-29T15:15:00.000-06:00

Many of you know that one of my resolutions this year is to be more eco-friendly - at least to be more conscientious of the choices I make in my buying and/or general life habits or ways. I know. This is a weird-ass resolution coming from a city girl who is far more familiar with unnatural resources over natural ones, but people change (that’s what Dr. Phil says).

To help you become a more eco-conscience consumer, I have put together a list of things you should consider:

1) Bring your own bags to the store!! They charge 25 cents per bag in Europe. Remember to leave the bags by your door so when you've unloaded your shit, the bags are in a place where you won't forget on your next shopping trip.
2) Change your bulbs to the CFLs. Yes, they take longer to come on, but you get used to it.
3) Share your toothbrush. You don’t need your own toothbrush! You can share it with at least one person in your household – if not two!
4) Purchase cleaning products that aren’t riddled with nasty chemicals! Or make your own!!! Vinegar and water, or coke and water, or cocaine and water - depends on what you have on hand.
5) Don’t use pump hand soaps in plastic dispensers and consistently buy new dispensers like I used to do! At least buy refillable soap, get a recycled glass dispenser, or use bar soap! Remember that stuff? Then when the soap gets down to a nub, you can put it in a big jar and then add water and collect them. Fred’s mom used to do this, but he wasn’t sure what happened to them when the jar was full, so use your imagination!
6) Do you really use every square of toilet paper when you wipe yourself? I bet you don’t. There’s no reason, especially for #1 jobs or clean #2 jobs, to not leave the clean spots for the next user. Just put the semi-used paper in a recycled box next to the toilet for the next person.
7) Packaging. Do you ever really notice or pay attention to all the fucking plastic shit that stuff is packaged in? Criminy. What a god damn waste. I know this all started when people started tampering with shit, but that only happens once in a while, and only a few people perish. Live dangerously and plastic free!
8) Paper products. I am a paper whore. Anyone who knows me will attest to this. My biggest abuse? Paper napkins – they even surpass Kleenex, which is hard for some of you to believe. So, what did I do? Switched to cloth napkins. Frankly, I found those cumbersome and too big. I then switched to wash cloths. They are smaller and don’t collect as much dust and dog hair. We use one for a few days and then it’s off to the energy efficient washing machine. You should try it! It’s cool to use a washcloth for a napkin, plus it doesn’t have the same guilt factor as staining and fucking up a cloth napkin.
9) Speaking of washing, how often do you wash your jeans or shirts? Every day? Well, stop now!!! Things that require washing every day are underwear and socks, and even those can be turned inside out.
10) Surge protectors. They now have something called a Smart Strip which cuts down on energy usage moreso than surge protectors, so check it out!
11) Tampons. I know a lot of women use those fucked up OB tampons, and for the eco-friendly girl, that’s a good thing. I hate those suckers, and if you’re a bleeder and clotter, like I am, you don’t want to stick your fingers up some haunted pussy tunnel. So for the bleeders and clotters, at least use those biodegradable cardboard applicators. The new Tampax tampons also have this little indentation for your fingers so the applicator doesn’t slip if you’ve just used hand lotion.
12) Rubbers can also be reused. For those of you having mucho sex and are still using that latex shit (GET SNIPPED is my advice), there’s no reason you can’t wash that cum sucker out and reuse it! I know it gets messy, but so do latex gloves, rubber fingers and phyllo dough. You get used to it.

New Year in Chicago

2008-01-07T16:22:00.000-06:00

As per usual, I had a blast in Chicago – despite some pretty shitty weather. I hung out with Lors lots, and her family, and that was uber fun (like always). I also saw Nivea, lots of my family (including Granny), but I missed JD and Dr. L. And we both missed T playing out because he FORGOT TO CALL US TO TELL US WHERE HE WAS PLAYING!!!!!!!!!! Damn it. Next time.

Lors and I ate awesome food in awesome places, we had great wines and champagnes (thanks to her “wine expert” sister who was in from California), we laughed loads, we shopped (like major big time broke shopping), and we caught up on some movies. Oh yeah, there was also doobie smoking – mostly by McK - (and second hand doobie smoke) for a few of those days. And we all laughed watching the Chicago anchors – Dick Johnson, Pete Sack and Suzie Cooch. That’s just too fucking hilarious for words! I don’t remember if they’re on NBC or CBS, but some exec has a kinky mind.

Dang, I miss the city.

Here are the movies we saw (both in theaters and TV) with my ratings. My rating system is five exclamation points for most awesome and one for pretty drab.

Oh yeah! Before we get into movieratings, I was asked to be in a movie and I'm super excited!!!!! My friend, G, is doing another film for the CW film festival. It will be local and crazy, and I don't know my role yet, but I can't wait to find out. He did one last year for the CWFF and it was quite the success. It was called Bikini Car Wash. So, next year, you may see me on the "big screen!"

Juno - !!!!!
Super awesome flick, and Ellen Page is wickedly cool and witty for a prego teenager! I plan to see it again with notebook in hand so I can write down the excellent teenage trend lingo.

Kinky Boots - !!!
This was pretty good. It wasn’t like a major riveting movie, but it still was a nice story about a shoe maker business that stops producing the boring English men’s oxford shoe for some trashy sex boots for the Tranny world. Well acted.

Confetti - !!
British flick about some contestants who want to win a wedding from a fashion magazine. There were some funny parts and interesting characters, but not a rip roaring movie that stays with you when you leave.

Guinevere - !
Too artsy and full of itself. Plus it stars Stephen Rea who looks like a cross between Lou Reed and Richard Simmons. I can’t get too excited about that. The actress, Sarah Polley, is beautiful, until she opens her mouth and has shit for teeth – like those corn teeth that are gray. Man alive, woman! Get your teeth fixed!! I believe this movie is based on “Fame.” Seriously, he’s like this older photographer and she’s this young chick who ends up taking her top off for a titty picture, etc. How frickin’ original! Plus, the movie was slow – like super slow at times. Like “Room with a View.” Need I say more?

Dexter - !!!!!
Not a movie, but a frickin’ cool and scary series on Showtime. I got addicted and didn’t think I would given I’m such a squeem monster.

Dance moves with Tweetie - !!!!!
Not a movie or a show, but dance lessons from the hood on MTV. Like seriously, Tweetie is like on crack during these episodes, but they are too funny to pass up. I’m totally going to incorporate these moves into my own dance routines. I like Lip Gloss, Freak Nasty, and Pop, Lock and Drop It. Check it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snow mice and cellophane

2007-12-23T21:09:00.000-06:00

- Don’t be stupid and go Christmas and grocery shopping when there is a blizzard.
- Don’t assume the wrapping paper you thought was silver actually is silver and not the deceiving “clear cellophane wrap.” This doesn’t work well for presents (as I’ve just discovered).
- Don’t think you won’t run into people you know at the stores just because there is a blizzard. You will.
- Don’t think one sausage is enough for snacks. You need two.
- Don’t try to be cool and keep your pants zipped when you really want to unzip them to let the uncomfortable cookie and sausage overeating ooze out.
- Don’t assume you have the right number of gifts for people. Double check, and then feel shleppy the night before Christmas Eve when you realize you still need to go out in the morning to pick up a couple of things.
- Don’t think you won’t see a mouse trying to cross four lanes of traffic during a blizzard. And, yes, it managed to get to the other side.
- Don’t think your blog won't end up on a Chinese cock ring site because it will.
- Don’t think a funny looking snowsuit is a fashion faux pas in a blizzard 'cause it ain't!

Dear Santa

2007-12-08T20:00:00.000-06:00

What do I want for Christmas this year?? World peace and respect for all humanity.

Ha! Here’s what I really want:

1) Sweet Cookie Doll
2) Make and Show Slides
3) Crazy Foam
4) Operation
5) Snap …

Wait a second!! That’s my list from ’73. Okay, here’s what I want THIS YEAR:

1) A Gas Mart plastic mug from Fleet Farm that says “Gas Mart” on it (it’s free if you fill up and buy a 12 oz coffee).
2) A hot dog roller ballpark machine from the Heartland catalog - $29.99. Also warms up “your buns.”
3) That gum that Elise told me about in ballet class last week. All the kids are chewing it these days (forgot the name).
4) That Angie Dickinson (“Pepper”) doll I saw on EBay - circa 1976 from the Academy Awards. Super sexy slutty dress. Nice addition to kitschy doll collection (she dated Johnny Carson for awhile; I bet you didn’t know that).
5) A frickin’ published “Granny Has Curls” piece somewhere – anywhere. (please). What happened Banyan Review people??????????? Where are you????????????
6) U.S. citizenship for mumsy, who was told by INS and Homeland Security that she's not a citizen, so no passport :-(
7) A stapler that actually WORKS when I hold it, have it on the desk, or in any stapler ready direction. I’m so tired of idiotic staplers at home, work, everywhere. Man alive! Plus, I bet I witness more people stapling every day at the reference desk than most of the world put together. (this gift was just given to me!!! I'm super excited, and I can't wait until I have to staple stuff again!!!!! Thanks, AS!!!!)
8) More blog comments
9) A 5.5 oval camouflage crock pot from Fleet Farm (on sale right now for $28.99. Includes travel case).
10) A gift certificate for “Gas Mart” to take advantage of their Daily Rollergrill $1.99 Specials: 2 corndogs & a 16 oz soda (Mondays), 2 tornados & a 16 oz soda (Tuesdays), 2 cheddarwurst & a 16 oz soda (Wednesdays), 2 egg rolls & a 16 oz soda (Thursdays), 2 bratwursts and a 16 oz soda (Fridays).
11) 2 Live Crew, As Nasty As They Wanna Be, CD (with hit title, "Me So Horny").
12) Crazy foam (that stuff was fun back then and it’s still fun today!!!)

Best excuses

2007-12-04T16:43:00.000-06:00

Best excuse for getting out of work:

"A bird suffering from diarrhea, brought on by food poisoning, flew into my house through the chimney, swooped into my face causing a dental emergency that I had to seek permission from my probation officer to have treated."

Thanks to Mimilicious (most fashionable librarian - ever!!) for her "best excuse" for getting out of work.

This made me think today about other "best excuses" for all kinds of stuff - like best excuse for eating a cookie, buying shoes, cleaning pee, etc.

What's your "best excuse???"

Getting extra hand action

2007-11-24T12:20:00.000-06:00

I did it. I bought the 1974 Ponch C.H.I.P.S. Eric Estrada action figure doll. He’s naked and has black hands. Kinda weird, but he’s still cool. I also put a bid on a menagerie of dolls from the 70s and 80s (including doll heads and arms – even Cheryl Tiegs' head!). The German is worried I’m going to turn into an Ebay addict. Luckily, there is an online quiz to see if you’re addicted to online auctions. Here’s a sampling of questions:

1. Have you made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop online bidding?
2. Do you use auction houses as a way of escaping from problems or relieve feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression?
3. Have you jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of online bidding?
4. Have you committed illegal acts such as forgery, fraud, theft, or embezzlement to finance online activities?

All I have to do is review the quiz and if I answer "yes" to any of the above questions, then it says I may be addicted to online auction houses. It also says these are signs that I may have lost control, lied, or possibly stole money just to support my bidding behavior. They do offer online counseling or I can purchase (online) an array of books or tapes on Internet addiction. Phew! At least there’s help if it gets out of control.

T-day was very nice. I was a bit worried about getting it all together food wise, but it turned out pretty good. R, M, and the Ps came over. Then we all headed over to S&Ms for dessert. That’s when my mother blew it and told people about my glass animal collection and those weird little shellacked mud dolls my aunt bought for me when I was a tot. I don’t know why grandmothers or aunts think it’s important for one to have a collection of something. And why would you get any kid a collection of glass animals? You can’t play with them. But collectables like this aren’t supposed to be played with and that just seems strange. Why collect something you can only look at and not touch? But here I am regressing into my childhood with a collection of male celebrity (and some female) dolls from the 70s and 80s. The difference is that I’m going to play with my dolls - blow ups and all.

Friday we went bowling, and man that was megablast fun! I completely and totally sucked, and the German wasn’t much better, but it was a good time. The last time I went bowling was at least 20 years ago at the Waveland Bowl in Chicago with Tim and Natasha. That’s a whole other story in itself. Anyway, I bowled 36 for my first game and 66 for the second! I totally improved in the second round!!! The German did a tad better, but his alley lane “run” looked more like sneaking up to kill some small burrowed animal (as Fred mentioned). All in all, the other peeps were much better bowlers, but we all had a good time (plus they played rap music over the loud speaker – AWESOME! And there were a lot of "cool" local teenagers hanging out there. Plus plus, there was cheap beer and smoking. DOUBLE AWESOME!!).

Then we headed over to Clark Place to listen to the "Alex Wilson Blues Band" from Milwaukee. It's a band of three brothers. All in all, they seemed pretty good to me, but there was some strange affectation going on when they were playing (you know that weirdo guitar face that looks so faked out sometimes?). The worst, however, was when the base player and the "regular guitar player" (I don't know what this person is called) did this sexual 69 position guitar kung-fu sound off. Totally weird and inappropriate. Luckily, it didn't last long. Then we all danced, and of course Fred and Ginger were showing off their talented dancing skills, so the rest of us had to get up there and douzy-do (sp?) with green Christmas tree peeps (supplied by J) in our mouths puffing out the marshmallow goodness to show that we, too, could get our groove on - even to blues music with a crowd of 15. It was a good time.

Are you an online auction addict? If you think you may suffer from this terrible disease, take the above quiz and I’ll send you the link to purchase those helpful books and tapes about online addiction.

Gas station lunches, Ponch and Anne Frank's chestnuts

2007-11-19T21:29:00.001-06:00

Gas station lunches are the worst. For some reason, I’ve been unable to get my act together to pack a lunch for work, and the cafeterias on campus are either too crowded or too gross. So, the other day, I stopped at a place that has decent soup and sandwiches, but the line was so frickin’ long (of course there was one person working the register and one making the food) that I was forced to walk into the attached gas station (yes, this is gross in itself). I wound up buying some cheese sticks, wheat thins and gummi bears. Not ideal, but I was aggravated and in a hurry. I also can’t force myself to buy those nasty prepackaged egg or tuna salad sandwiches or curling iron hot dogs. Icksville. It’s just impossible to ever feel good about a gas station lunch.

Johnny Depth had a “porn” party Friday night in Chicago. I was invited, but didn’t go (like I need more than a week’s notice for a party in a different city, JD?!?!? Hello). Man, I really wanted to go. It was a launch party for a new porn site he created. If you want the address, let me know. It’s XXX rated, so I’ll caution you there. I wonder what kind of food you serve at a porn party?

The other night I decided I wanted to become eccentric, so yesterday (Sunday) was the day I was going to put it into practice, but I was sidetracked (by making horseradish and through other practical realizations). This whole interest in becoming eccentric was precipitated by watching “Independent Lens” last week on PBS. The show featured this art collector in the Bay Area of California (I forgot his name), and he was your basic Joe kind of guy, which is what made his art collecting far more interesting, and yet he had amassed over 4,000 works of art in a decade. It was a rather fascinating look into his life. The problem with my whole gig of wanting to become eccentric is that I don’t think it’s something you can cultivate. I believe it’s more an inherent quality (the German certainly possesses this), and this insight was a real set back. I guess I’ll just have to live vicariously through eccentric people. As a whole, they are far more interesting than the rest of us boring saps.

Keep your eye out for male dolls. I seem to have inadvertently started a collection of male doll kitsch, so I’d like to keep it up. So far I have Ed Grimley (he talks), Pee Wee Herman, Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, Bill & Ted, and Mr. Plastic No Nuts. I wouldn’t mind having a Joey Lawrence doll (from Blossom fame), Six Million Dollar Man (preferably with the complete orange jumpsuit), the 1974 naked PONCH Eric Estrada doll, or the Starsky or Hutch action figure doll. I may also be interested in that chestnut that fell off the tree that Anne Frank stared at through her attic window. I think it’s on auction now for about $700. This, I realize, has nothing to do with collecting male dolls, but it would still make a nice stocking stuffer.

If someone can prove that they will be eating Turducken on Thanksgiving while listening to Camper von Beethoven then you will win a prize! I need at least a photographic, audio clip or a witness to the event.

Too much breast

2007-11-10T13:38:00.000-06:00

Man, I am on a blog roll....so much for a strike.

Sat. 1:45 p.m.
Drooler is here. Oh yeah, so I'm at the ref desk AGAIN on a frickin' Saturday afternoon. Can I just tell you how many nutcases pour out of the woodwork on Saturday afternoons? The annoying outfits, milkcrate carrying cases, bodily noises, and irritating conversations are all here to haunt me for the next 2 and a half hours. No wonder I drink more than I used to.

Bravo to PSM for her Suessical look last night at our Mexican writing retreat. It was quite awesomely put together. Why can’t more people get it together style wise? I’ll try to describe the look as best as I can: A basic sneaker, dark rainbow colored knee-hi socks pulled all the way up, long khaki shorts, a pink Maurice Sendak t-shirt, a light blue turtleneck sweater, a darker blue fleece vest, a red kid-like hat with a black kitten on it, and rainbow gloves. While it may sound like a kooky outfit reading it, this ensemble really pulls together in creative and fun way. And our writing group is celebrating THREE YEARS of writing togetherness this December!!! Pretty exciting. Plus, I don’t remember one occasion where we haven’t laughed so hard we were crying. I love that!

I talked to my granny today. Man that woman can drive you up a tree, but she can be funny as hell. She’s having all these pains in her left side; she described them as excruciating, so her doctor prescribed some Vicodin. She was pissed at first because her doc wasn’t giving her refills, and it’s hard for granny to get to the doctor considering she’s 95 years old! So, she complained about it, but then the doctor said he was worried she might get “hooked.” Granny laughed and said, “I’m 95 - who cares if I’m hooked on anything. It’s a day by day thing right now.” Pretty funny. She also complained about the food shows she likes to watch because the girls show “too much of their breasts.” She doesn’t like any titillation of any kind –especially televised cooking shows. She did say she likes the Barefoot Contessa because at least she doesn’t show her breasts on TV. Thank god for that.

Email butt-whistle

2007-11-08T22:02:00.000-06:00

Email signature quotes
What’s up with the quote in signature lines? Seriously. I’ve had enough. Enough with the quotes!! Those English teacher people have a propensity for this quote business. Blah. No more! If you feel compelled to share your favorite quote, can’t you be a little clever about it? How about an RSS live quote feed so we’re not bored with the same one we’ve been reading for 7 years? There’s an idea.

Importance: High
Things deserving the “high importance” tag in emails include emergency situations or social gatherings. That’s it. Your email, self-important student #12 on left hand side of classroom, to let me know that your lame homework is going to be late because you have to go deer hunting, does not warrant “high importance.” I noticed people who typically abuse the high importance tag also have all that confidentiality crap and to “delete the message if received in error.” Please! That’s as bad as….

the obligatory Read Receipt!!! I’m not going to tell you when I read your important fancy pants message and at what time I read it!!!!!! Give me a break.

Sender would like to recall message
What? You have sender’s remorse and this is the way you’re telling me? Don’t ever EVER use recall! A simple follow up message, “Sorry, university of … employees, I didn’t mean to call you all big fuckwads” is much nicer than that ode to code crappy recall response. There are actually self-destructive recallable email software packages out there, and some are free, so if you feel like this is a problem, get yourself some of that jimmy recall juice!

Super double extra credit

2007-11-07T18:40:00.000-06:00

Thanks VS for sending this. I am SO DIGGING the idea of a party like this in our neck of the backwoods. The party idea is Dan Levenson's (Brooklyn - of course), but man I'd pay this guy for his idea. Who's in????

Here's my template version...

What: The All-Smoking Art Opening – Sponsored by ?
When: ONE NIGHT ONLY -- 9:00pm – ?
Where: TBA

This special event will feature more than 100 smoking intellectuals and artistic types perusing an exhibition of all-black artworks (I'm showing a Bootleg "DB"). If you missed out on Paris in the 1920s, this is your big chance, and maybe your last chance, as the coming ice age of mediocrity, blandness and uniformity descends permanently on SP’s “cultural landscape.”

Visitors are encouraged to wear dark-colored clothing and chic eye or foot wear. Extra credit for carrying a book of poetry, philosophy or modernist literature. Super extra credit if this book is written in a language other than English. Super double extra credit if you and a friend can discuss this book in that language.

Free cigarettes will be available for smokers, provided courtesy of Tobacco Outlet. Non-smokers are grudgingly welcome, but stay out of our way.

The event will be broadcast live over the internet.

Wolcott is da bomb!

2007-10-30T20:46:00.000-05:00

Man, I’m sick with a stupid cold and it takes like four times as long to do simple tasks. I hate that. I’m also semi-delirious, but most people don’t notice because they think I’m like this all the time.

Man, I can’t believe how much the drooler still fucking annoys the crap out of me. First of all, aside from his grody bodily noises and same outfit everyday for the last 6 years, he has this propensity for striking up conversations with other “community users” (the term user in library land is vastly different from the term user in skanky street-drug land). He’s loud and asks the most asinine things, and then the other “riveting” community users just fall right into his path of conversational despair. It’s horrifyingly annoying, and there’s not a fucking thing we can do about it because stupid libraries are “there for the people to do whatever the hell they want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Man alive. Seinfeld had it right - Government's pathetic friend.

Man, I heard the greatest line in the reference room the other day. Some chic got mad at what looked like to be her boyfriend and told him to “Go Google Yourself!!!” I love it.

Man, today I wore a dress to work. It looked hideous. It’s because I can’t wear dresses – period- ever. Wretchedly bad. I have the body of a table and tables don’t look good in dresses. Note to self. The German even said to me, “you look like a librarian today.” Can you think of anything more awful to say to someone?

Man, I heard these chicks in the reference room the other night rating their blow job abilities. What the fuck? First of all, I was quite surprised at how “skillful” they all thought they were. Then they were rating themselves on a scale of 1 – 10 (10 being the highest). Seriously, not one of them rated themselves lower than an 8.5. Wow. What confidence. I guess that’s a good thing. I’d give myself a 2.5 and that’s on a good day!

Man, I miss Jews. I know that sounds like a crazy thing to say, but I've watched like 17 episodes of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and I realized how much I miss them just being around. There are no Jews in this town (maybe one or two). No good delis, no good bagels, no good humor. Sucks (yes, I know I just stereotyped).

Man, I’m still digging that Prada shirred gray and olive green skirt with the knee-high stirrup red socks and variegated platform peek-a-boo heels. This would cost me at least one month’s salary. Damn it.

Man, I was going to have a contest about something, but now I don’t remember what for. Someone help me out. Fred?

Man, I can't believe how much I love...

King size new and improved cheesiest blazin' wings!

2007-10-17T10:34:00.000-05:00

Products that should never have been new & improved:

- 3 Musketeers Mint Dark Chocolate (mint with unidentifiable nougat fluff?)
- Twix white chocolate (why?)
- Twix triple chocolate (Too much chocolate)
- Twix peanut butter with chocolate cookie (LEAVE THE TWIX ALONE, fuckers)
- New Coke (?)
- Coke II (??)
- Coke Zero (???????)
- Cheesier Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (additional fake yellow powder does not make it cheesier)
- Cheesiest Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (darker yellow powder does not make it cheesiest)
- Pibb Xtra (Mr. Pibb continues to languish in obscurity at the low-rent Arby’s compared to Dr. Pepper at the upscale Taco Bell. I’m sure they’ll go back to “Mr. Pibb Classic” in a couple of years)
- Mountain Dew Game Fuel (Mountain Dew should be banned – period. I bet cars could run on this piss shit).
- New Charmin with quilting (why? Why does toilet paper need a design? The poop smear will look the same with or without quilting)
- Tampax Pearl (pearly finish?)
- Tampax Fresh (there’s nothing fresh about dried brown blood)
- Tampax Compak (these somehow shoot up your crotch never to be found again)
- Kellog’s Frosted Flakes “Drink ‘n Crunch” (drink ‘n crunch sounds like an aerobic porn video)
- Oscar Mayer’s Fast Franks in a Soft Warm Bun – Microwave in 35 seconds! (I think I’d rather eat an old hot dog that’s been sweating for hours on those curling iron rods at the gas station)
- Goldfish Flavor Blasted Blazin’ Buffalo Wings (why should certain foods taste like other foods? Isn’t that what the other food is for to begin with?)
- Colgate’s Max Fresh Blast Whitening toothpaste with whitening strips (this stuff is as toxic as Mountain Dew. I think it gave me mouth herpes)
- Trojan Xtra Vibrating Ring – Intimate vibrations for both partners (okay, this one sounds intriguing)

It’s also interesting how so many products are now made to fit car cup holders. I mean think about it: Kleenex, soup, rubbers, cereal, nuts, candy, cookies, hamburgers. Too much.

Cocktober Fest in Chicago

2007-10-06T16:44:00.001-05:00

I'm currently sitting at the lovely Pagoda Red Gallery in Chicago helping out Lors and M since they were unexpectedly short staffed today. Tonight we’re going to Redfish to hear Toronzo. That will be a guaranteed good time. Last night I met Nivea for dinner and she surprised me not only with treating me to dinner (a rare occurrence), but she also received her latest royalty statement and a check for $14,500! Pretty fucking awesome. We celebrated with Margaritas, Mariachis, Marlboro Lights, and some Mole.

It’s Cocktober fest in Boystown here, so the “boys” are running around wild and hyped up on Viagra, "hole stretching," and other assorted recreational drugs. Crazy gay shit.

I’m thinking about going on a Blog strike so I can concentrate on my other writing, which has been pretty dismal for many months. I’m also going to demand better wages and benefits! Hopefully there won’t be any union scabbing.

Speaking of writing, BP in the Eng Dept has a story in the October issue of Esquire. I don’t know who in Esquireville is in charge of editorial production or art direction, but the story is laid out in single sentences on the bottom header of non-contiguous pages. While it's nice to have your name blasted on the cover, reading a story in this graphical layout makes following it rather difficult and distracting with all the ad pages you have to zip through to get back to the story. My advice is to cut out each sentence and glue it to a separate sheet of paper - like serial killers writing ransom notes - to have a continuous story.

Speaking of serial killers, I was listening to "Thieves" by Ministry on my way up here and all I could think of was that this was the kind of song you have playing as background music when you're chopping up bodies in a wood chipper. Super satanically intense and not really good daytime driving music.

Good “E!” quote of the day: “Flavor Flav looks like a turd with a face on it.”

Stay tuned for strike.

Colossal onions of excellence!!

2007-09-14T07:50:00.000-05:00

UPDATES posted Friday night 9/14 at 8:02 p.m. (see below and under "scary fashion trends"
Aside from the new Chili's in town, the "Blue Top" restaurant reopened. Here are some highlights from the local newspaper:

The new "Cabana Bar and Sports Lounge" section of the restaurant has been renovated as an "upscale tiki bar done in rain forest bamboo" featuring eight large flat-screen TVs (we don't have enough of those in the local bars)
"The sports bar will have NFL Ticket so people can watch a full slate of professional football games on Sunday." (yeah, we NEED MORE FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially 8 games showing at once).
The bar will also feature an Internet jukebox "...that will stay current with the latest trends in music," and an ATM and gaming machines.
The "fine dining" facility has been "...renovated in a Las Vegas lounge-type style. It includes Rat Pack icons like Frank Sinatra on the windows. We might call the fine dining facililty the 'Sinatra Room,' said the new owner. "
The menu will include "Frank Sinatra's Veal Cutlets Milanese (supposedly a favorite of Sinatra's according to the new owner). The menu will also feature "famous broasted chicken and ocean cod fish fries (Fridays only)."

Man, I can't WAIT to check this place out!!!!!!!!! Who's game????

Chili’s comes to town!!
We just got a “new” Chili’s in town. The people in Chicago are cracking up over it ‘cause like Chili’s has been around since the 80s (possibly even the 70s). It is the home, as we all know, of the awesome “AWESOME BLOSSOM® - We bring together our hand-battered and seasoned, fried colossal onion and our famous seasoned sauce for an awesome treat! $7.49.” And it’s even a registered trademark! Chili’s is also home to the El Nino Caribbean rum punch spectacular drink and the new “Crispy Honey Chipotle Chicken Crispers.” That’s a mouthful! Interestingly, all the photos in their corporate menu binder look like porn shots. Every food and drink item is splashing, spilling, or dripping into someone’s mouth. Pretty kinky if you ask me. The binder menu also weighs about 40 pounds.

Annoying administrator speak: Part II
EXCELLENCE: student excellence, teaching excellence, the center for excellence, staff excellence, prize for excellence, supporting excellence… Blah!!! Boo to excellence!!! Watered down mushy icky meaningless yucko word that is WAY overused in higher education. If everyone in the world would strive for excellence, no one would ever be happy because it’s impossible to achieve – ‘cause like most of us are not above average given the very nature of the term. Whatever. Blah again!!!! I say no to excellence.

Scary fashion trends
Thanks to Notorious Lors for sending me these freak shots (and her commentary)...

What the heck is this??????
Or this???????
Check out the anorexic stylist to the stars

Chloe fucking Seviche whatever. This woman is considered a "fashion icon" and she always looks like shit. Like this....

Soccer mom from Berwyn posing as Debbie Harry

Updates:
Pooch pops out 8 pups (D & O/Ns doggy)
Chance may have liver hepatitis, liver cancer, or liver nodules (sad face)
Circulation candy dish has not been updated with new candy since LAST SEMESTER!!!!!!!!!! Even after its brand new location.
My mother made pickles
My parents lost weight (20 pounds for dad, 14 for mom)
Our house is being tuck pointed – MESSY
New fashion trend among the kids today - tube tops (no more muffin tops or crack asses)
I’m going to Chicago soon!!!!!!!!!
I’m craving a bloody mary
I’m getting my period
People are too busy
Work is annoyingly busy
People are annoying

God and tinfoil

2007-09-05T17:39:00.000-05:00

School just started this week (actually it started yesterday, but it seems like weeks ago). It's the same ol' same ol' feeling of being overwhelmed, but I'm going to try to not get so nutso this year. The sick part is that I actually like part of my nutsoness because I think it keeps me on task and I get loads of shit done - despite being hyper, stupid, cranky and neurotic.

My dog still has the weirdo shits. I have no idea what to do anymore. 10 days and counting. Been to the vet, still taking pills, still acting normal, but the bowels prove otherwise.

The last two days I’ve been working on “localizing” a translated employee manual for someone in China who is a friend of my crazy fun Chinese friend, Y. It’s due tomorrow at noon. It’s been a kinda fun and kooky project, and I believe I counted 276 uses of the word “shall” within 25 pages. Those crazy Chinese!!!!!!!!!! Gotta love em.

I’m trying to up the ante on my wardrobe this year. We’ll see how it goes. Today I managed to wear trouser jeans with a crazy tiger print top with a bright bloody-red hem and neckline. Interesting. But given my short time span this morning, it was all I could manage. Now that I cleaned my closet (and took 16 paper shopping bags of clothes, shoes and jewelry to Goodwill), I found things I never even knew I had. That’s super sick and overindulgent.

The Chancellor actually commented (positively) on my black and tan vertigo tights and purple spectator pumps at last week’s picnic, so I guess my attempts at wardrobe “upping” are working thus far. Side note: Is there a reason for serving the grossest and most unctuous potato salad ever at all higher education picnics?

Some kid at school today asked me if my keychain was a cock ring. He said it so nonchalantly. And I responded in the same nonchalant way – “no, it’s a key ring.” After reflection, it really could double as both a cock ring and a key ring, so I guess that’s “handy.”

There’s a new dude in the English Department who has published quite the creative shit in some pretty impressive publications, and I’m a bit in awe and a tad envious I must say. That doesn’t happen very often to me (the feeling of being awestruck by someone). I’m not sure why the hell he came here, but there must be some goofball reason. I’m going to have to get to know this guy and get on his good side in the hopes of getting some writing tips and suggestions. That would be super awesome! I bet he would tell me to stop writing stupid shit like “super awesome.” I am over 18.

Anyone who is willing to leave a comment on my blog will get some type of monetary compensation. The amount “shall” be determined by the content and creativity of “said commenter’s” comment (can you tell I’ve been proofreading this crazy Chinese manual?).

Thinkin' 'Bout...

2007-09-02T13:18:00.000-05:00

- My frickin’ overflowing closet of shit I’m trying to clean
- My dog’s heinous diarrhea squirting of 5 days and counting
- How overwhelmed I'm feeling about my dance teaching commitments I GOT MYSELF INTO this year
- How gross oatmeal is without anything on it
- How good those Coochie Hoochie drinks were at R & Ms house last night
- How disappointed I was to find out that our local Bin 6075 wine/beer locale attached to grocery store does not carry Jay-Z’s Armadale vodka.
- The amount of white rice that’s currently in our fridge
- What I’m going to write for my next writing group since I haven’t turned anything in since last February!
- The work work I have to do this semester (ugh)
- Calling Granny before she kills me and never speaks to me again (she’s already mad at me)
- Trans-gendered people, identity, categories, confusion, intersexion, etc.
- How much I miss Notorious Lors
- Getting out of dodge and heading to Chicago soon to hang with my posse and soak in some city shit before this country shit gets to me
- This controversial G-Spot amplification procedure done by some doc at the Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute in Los Angeles (of course it’s LA).
- How I’ll incorporate this fall’s trend of plumage into my current wardrobe
- How I wish summer was just starting, and how I wish people would stop farting.

Best quote of the day:
"I've always felt that life itself, and this is no brilliant observation, is a tremendously tragic event, I mean a real mess. I do have a bleak, pessimistic view of life and man's fate, the human condition, but I do feel there are some extremely amusing oases in that morass."
Woody Allen being interviewed at the Venice Film Festival about his new film, "Cassandra's Dream."

Magic Lady

2007-08-21T13:02:00.000-05:00

Where is the love.....
You said you'd give to me
Soon as you were free
Will it ever be
Where is the looovvve?...

The closer I get to you
The more you'll make me see
By giving me all you've got
Your love has captured me...

I survived the 11-hour trip home with the help of that smooth, soulful singer - Roberta Flack. Man, that woman can croon. 11 hours straight I listened to the best of. Crazy!

I came home to a broken computer and another dead bat in the basement. Luckily, good ol' mom got rid of the live one. These bats are just a big super headache. Bat fuckers.

I'll report more on my sailing trip and some trends you should all be aware of in a bit.

Smithereens

2007-08-02T16:48:00.000-05:00

11:25 p.m. Sunday - Bat update III: Live bat fucker was in my bedroom AGAIN!!! Freakin' little brown piece of shit. Yes, I screamed my head off AGAIN!!! I slammed the door shut and put towels at the bottom of the door hoping to trap it in there (I sent a desperate email to my parents for them to take care of it while I'm gone - isn't that swell of me?). I'm now going to sleep in the other "dead bat - now gone" room. Totally sucks. Bat fuckers.

9:47 p.m. Sunday - Bat update II: The dead bat is now gone and out of my house (thanks to P & M). I believe the live bat is still wushing around this place somewhere, but I have no proof - just instinct. Last night I crashed on the sofa. I simply couldn't bring myself to go upstairs. Tonight I'm gonna brave it and sleep in the "bat cave" bedroom because I have to get up SUPER DUPER early to pick up J and head off for the high seas. Hopefully, it will be a vermon free night. Be cool! Off the hook...

1:38 a.m. Saturday - Bat update: Now there is a fucking live one flying around the house and it almost flew into my head while I was sleeping. Actually, I think the wing went right into my hair on the left part of my head, which now leaves me with gross bat wing hair that I'll have to wash with latex gloves because I probably have bat rabies or bat egg rabies. Bat fuckers!!!!!! I'll never be able to sleep again. Yes, I screamed. I'm tired. And now I want to cry or kill something AND I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TOUCH MY HAIR AGAIN!

Due to my pending list of things to do, temporary depression, writer’s block, and dead animal removal responsibilities, this will be a short entry.

There is a dead bat on the window sill of our upstairs guest room. I should remove it, but I can’t. Dead animals paralyze me. Too many times I’ve faced a dead animal I’m supposed to “remove” and I just can’t do it. Bunnies, birds, skunks, bats, mice, squirrels, etc. The problem is I’m leaving early Monday morning to go sailing, and I should probably remove it beforehand. I could call one of my friends, but that’s a nuisance. No one wants to remove dead animals. Then you feel obligated to give them a beer or buy them a car. So, now I’m stuck with this problem and it’s an added burden to my current list of 47 things I need to finish before I leave Monday morning. It’s super weird that I have so many bat encounters when the German is gone. I wonder what the hell that means. Jesus.

Pet peeve: Email messages from administrators that include the same message attached as a word doc, a screen print of something that we can look up ourselves, and multiple text colors used for emphasis as if we're in the first grade. What the fuck?

I have this “wife beater” bruise on my upper left arm that I’m kind of digging. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s sort of quasi-tattoo like. It has this thuggish look that I find appealing. Yesterday, I almost darkened it with some purple and black makeup just to keep it going for awhile. It’s really fading now and I’m bummed out by it. I may try the makeup routine.

I spent almost one week trying to write a one-page proposal. How frickin' ridiculous is that? It's incredible how stupid you can turn when you're out of the work loop for awhile. I started writing this thing like a book report from 5th grade: Introduction/Body/Conclusion. And every word was a monosyllable. It was so tardish that I LOL reading it. It’s still pretty putrid, but it’s improved over the last week and several agonizing hours I spent on it for a lousy 475 words. Man alive.

PSM provided me with five words she wanted me to use in a piece of writing. This was actually quite fun. I gave myself 2 minutes to write something – anything – even if it was incorrectly used. Here is the list of 5 words and my 2 minute free write:

Hexagonal
Frisson
Ward Churchill
Labile
Zeitgeist

“Ward Churchill was sitting in his hexagonal office at home when frisson set in at the realization he was going to be reinstated at UC-Boulder. Despite his dissent and opposition to campus administration, Churchill is labile in this particular situation. It is a zeitgeist moment in higher education.”

Winner of the dirty haiku? FRED! They were all good, but he really put forth an extra effort and submitted a total of 7. You will get something from me at some point.

Last entry for awhile. Setting sail on Monday...

Don Juan's Enviable Dress Up Style

2007-07-16T22:49:00.000-05:00

Bastille Bash
S&M’s Bastille fete was sure fun. It almost made me want to take French - again. There was moderate wine drinking and considerable beer drinking interspersed with the consumption of delectable solid goodies, laughing, booty shaking, booby shaking, and other all around Good Times!

While my attempt to duplicate the D&G French Vogue outfit from the July 2007 issue featuring black beads, suede boots and heroin-chic makeup failed, the German looked tres cute in his outfit from days gone by with his too-short mildewed black leather motorcycle jacket and beret. Twelve years ago, he wandered the halls of the Humanities building in Madison during our class break, wearing this very outfit, drinking half-gallons of orange juice looking as absent-minded then as he does today. I knew I had to have him!

Speaking of attire, let's talk about "stepping it up" a notch. Would it kill some of you people who I see on a regular basis to toss on a different colored t-shirt, a new shoe, a lip gloss, a new do, a beard (I can do this fairly quickly), new pants, a different and more daring earring, a new jean, something? Shake it up, people. Shake it up. Snap! (see "Don Juan" below for some ideas)

Back to the party...
I have a hard time at well-attended parties because I want to talk to everyone (okay, maybe not everyone). The tragic result is my bumble-bee like behavior where I flit around from person to person absorbed in half-conversations. It’s very ADD. The highlight of the night – hands down – is when Fred was caught (by three of us in the dimly lit back yard) leaning against the countertop in the kitchen of our hosts, drinking a beer, looking speculative. The pensive gaze lasted a good minute or two before he burst into a spectacular booty shaking, arms up on the cabinet, gyrating “Footloose” dance move. The best part was that he had no clue anyone was watching. J, M & I practically spit on each other with laughter. Where the hell was the camera?!?!

Make Your Buttock Happy
For some of you this may mean “making fudge” or “gittin’ it on through the back door,” but for others it means the “Toto Washlet.” I now know a few people who own this little gem (they all live in Chicago – no surprise there). My friend, Meritorious, owns the model E200. He called it a “spa experience” and said that while they keep toilet paper in the bathroom, they view it more now as a curiosity. If you want to waste an hour to see how you can make your buttock happy, check it out…

What’s Johnny Depth “Up” To?
JD is back in Chicago. He seems to be doing well working for an IP law firm, attending Weedfest, going to monthly mushroom/pot fueled hippie parties called Synphoria, and he just finished filming “The Story of Oh! Part II” for the Corkscrew Media Group (no need to see Part I to understand this one) . His mother is still nuts and his dad is broke, so nothing new on that end.

Arch Bishop Don Magic Juan
It’s hard not to smile when you think of the Chairman of the Board of the Legendary Players Ball - Bishop Don Magic Juan. I used to see him on the streets of Chicago’s west side (around Laramie and Chicago Avenue for you people who LOVE to know the intersections of the city like I do) driving around in his pimpalicious green and gold Eldorado all ghettoed out. I guess he moved to Los Angeles. No surprise there. He’s friends with Snoop. Check out his cool website! I can’t wait till he starts selling t-shirts.

Contest Alert (steppin' it up)!
“Footloose Fred” came up with this one - The Best Damn Adult/Dirty Haiku. While he requested The Best Damn Adult/Dirty Haiku in Central Wisconsin, I had to broaden the horizon to my outside audience (my Chicago, Iowa and NY posse). Here are the rules of a Haiku (hopefully you know the rules of dirrrtayyy!!)

- 3 short lines
- 5-7-5 (syllables)

Winner gets something from me. Good luck!

Where did the fucking toolbar shit go? Googleblogger????

2007-07-10T21:40:00.000-05:00

This entry looks font fucked because the googleblogger toolbar and keyboard shortcuts have vanished. Bastards!

Back to the Grind
Today it was back to work. No more China, Notorious Lors, slide shows, casseroles, dirty dancing, Frisbee tossing (this is stupid any time of year), flat ironed hair-dos, slothy-fat-ass after-church Perkins crowd, or any of that shit. It was the same ol’ reference desk, candy dish (but in a new location!), annoying questions, and all the typical weirdos – with the exception of Perv #1 who is officially banned from the Library. The Drooler was there in his “summer” attire: “white” oxford shirt, black pants rolled up (in winter they are down), flip flops and black suspenders. His drooling bodily noises are exactly the same every season. As a matter of fact, the Drooler was my second entry on this blog back in June 2005. I complained about his outfit and strange bodily noises back then just like I do today.

Notorious Lors’ week of fun ‘n frolic
Lors and I had fun hanging out – like we always do. We did lots of house stuff – rearranging shit, buying shit, deleting shit - partying with the peeps, party boating, grotto visiting, cheese eating, Chappelle watching, Croatian talking, Serb talking, shitting, antiquing, Waupacaing, laughing, drinking and sleeping. She was a cheese curd virgin, but no more. And like any normal person, she could live without them for the rest of her life. We also laughed about one of the most disgusting vegetables/fruits on the planet – Rhubarb. This “civil war” vegetable has no allure whatsoever. It’s bitter tasting celery – and isn’t celery bad enough? Why try to make it into something it’s not – sweet gelatinous guu? Yucksville. It should be eradicated from the planet.

T-shirt contest
Cast your vote for the best t-shirt text graphic or add your own in the comment section (thanks to TC and PSM for suggestions):
 Fudge, American Style
 Closeted fudge lover
 EVERYONE LOVES FUDGE!
 Booty called
 Booty Call Hotline: 699-6969
 Honk if you’re within arm’s reach.
 Firecrotch crackwhore
 Deliveries in rear
 I love NJ (the love would be the heart symbol like I love NY)
 Fudge pops on sale
 Have you hugged a lesbian today?
 Vegetables are people too
 Strangers have the best candy

What I’m doing right now…

2007-06-28T23:23:00.001-05:00

- Eating Jujyfruits (leaving the green and black ones for a later time when I’m really desperate)
- Baking a carrot cake
- Reading about the origins of the Harvey Wallbanger (and wishing my name was Harvey Wallbanger or Brandy Alexander)
- Wondering why ANYONE in their right mind would ever eat a Goober sandwich (not actual Goobers on bread, but that vile peanut butter/grape-drink jelly striped shit in a jar)
- Checking out those controversial Brazilian yogurt ads
- Marveling at William Sledd’s sudden cyberfame from his “Ask a gay man” series on YouTube
- Contemplating wearing a Kaftan tomorrow for party
- Feeling my cramps – again
- Looking forward to Notorious Lors visiting me next week (Sunday to be exact!!!)
- Pretending the kitchen is clean
- Listening to the German snore with “Malcolm in the Middle” on in the background
- Thinking about all the sex references I heard today
- Reflecting on the smooth launch of the swift boat with the help of A & M (and the German of course)
- Wanting to direct a YouTube video with some of the peeps
- Considering PSM’s suggestion to write a trenchant critical commentary on Second Life or a feminist critique of lethal intimate partner violence as manifested in two recent high profile deaths. The former is more my bag.
- Digging Alan Alda still after all these years
- Wishing I could plunk on my bed and fall fast asleep, but must stay awake for that damn carrot cake (that rhymes!)

Discovery of the day...

2007-06-21T02:00:00.000-05:00

My first gray pubic hair. Mmm-hmm. I pulled that sucker out faster than you can say shit. Did Judy Blume write about this? How do I get through this one? Judy, if you're reading this, START CRACKING THAT KEYBOARD OF YOURS AND WRITE ABOUT GRAY PUBES! We're past menstruation and masturbation. Man alive.

Hygiene wet turban needless wash

2007-06-18T22:40:00.000-05:00

Translations can be pretty funny. More on the PRC later. Too tired now (17 hours in the air time - man alive).

Off the hook...

2007-05-19T09:23:00.000-05:00

What's your love girl name?

2007-05-14T21:47:00.000-05:00

If you were going to be on Flavor of Love Seaxon 3 (I added the x ‘cause it looks cooler and more hip-hop like), what would be your Flavor of Love Girl name? (thanks to PSM for the idea).

Here are some examples of names from previous seasons:
Applez
Bubblez
Like Dat
Peaches
Picasso
Pumkin (no "p")
Smokey
Sweetie

There's no question that "Like Dat" is the best most frickin' awesome love girl name of all time. Please cast your votes.

4 days

Countdown...

2007-05-14T11:13:00.000-05:00

7 days...

Latest in higher ed

2007-05-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

(Inspired by writing group and Mexican food):

All retention, tenure and promotion materials must now be submitted to administration via Twitter. Please summarize your teaching, scholarship, service and current vita in 140 characters or less. Upon review, we will reply with one of the following messages:
- URT’D-Y! (you are tenured – yay!)
- NTFY-B :-( (no tenure for you – boo :-( )

More microblog tweets
Chappelle on grape drink (1.58)

8 days left (panicmonium)…

Chappelleing the Microblog Way

2007-05-09T21:56:00.000-05:00

We'll be back right after this break... This place is insane (3.49)

9 days and counting (yikes)...

World Famous Cashier – Trulawn – MIA

2007-04-27T15:59:00.000-05:00

Man, I screwed up my last posting. It was not intended to be some form of rhetorical posturing or attempt to solicit compliments (although they were all appreciated), but a sincere plea for new ideas. So, PSM gets the kudos for this one for actual suggestions, such as adding pictures of animals, Zen psychedelic art or famous philosophers, and reminding me that readers have a short attention span (I suffer from this myself, so I should know).

The picture loading has been a problem in the past, but maybe the latest version of eblogger will help with this. I’ll try in my next post. Short attention spans I can handle. That’s what Twitter is all about (I will be writing about this soon in a more serious essay on social software. For those who aren’t in the tech-know, Twitter is a site that allows you to post one-line messages - 140 characters to be exact - about what you’re currently doing—via the web interface, IM, or SMS. I find it all very fascinating).

Oops, I’ve already exceeded the 10 lines. Crap. Okay, here’s the question for all of you to answer:

What music/song (or sound) accompanied the loss of your virginity and where did it all take place? You can also add who the person was, year and any other interesting factoids. I’ll start (since this is my blog):

Where - The coat room of a bar in Boston (Back Bay area) called Jason’s.
Song - Diana Ross “Upside Down”
Year – 1981
Guy – Richard Something (Something is not his last name, I just don’t remember his last name. He was one of the bouncers at the bar where my friend, Alicia, worked).
Memory – This cannot be what people keep talking about.

Side Note to Notorious Lors:
Trulawn Elgin McCray Trooper is no longer working at Dominick’s. I called to find out his whereabouts, but when I started prying as to why he was “dismissed,” the woman on the phone was rather evasive – and she snickered when she said he wasn’t there anymore. So, I guess that’s the end of the rigid, rule-bound, surly, fanny-pack carrying (containing important cashier stuff), high-wasted pant wearing misfit cashier. Just remember, he was in local community theater, and I’m sure that had something to do with him being canned. Or maybe it was his super fucked up name. Or maybe it was his unfriendly checkout-line behavior (although this is more in line with the notorious Walgreens – we’ve had MANY problematic encounters at the Walgreens! Lots of serious laughter and situation comedy there. I’m LOL just thinking about it! Speaking of Walgreens, Sis, remember the lunch counter at Wags on Michigan and Chicago? Remember me going with Damien there with the three cabbage patch kids and him ordering them a glass of milk with three straws? He wore his black leather jacket, red plaid flannel pants and combat boots, and I had on that insane all-white outfit with uber-white foundation, major red lipstick and that moon white eyeshadow and my butch short-shaved haircut. Geez!! Remember the three of us drinking shots of maple syrup in my parents’ backyard in Maywood? Remember his fruit box apartment on Randolph? Remember the ants in the spaghetti sauce? And the cucumber episode? Or the time we went to the Golden Nugget and he was in his “no utensil using” phase and ate pancakes with his fingers? What about the Indian place on Broadway - Moti Mahal? Those were some good times. Man alive!). I’m guessing it’s the latter. Don’t forget – there’s always sexy B at the meat counter. Just go up to him and tell him you’re looking for a big rump roast or a 7-boner steak. That’s always a conversation starter.

What the fuck?

2007-04-18T16:04:00.000-05:00

Man, my ratings have plummeted to an all new low.

How the fuck can I go from 24 comments, to 10, to 7, then to 2, to 1 and 1 again? QUE PASA? That's it. I've had it. With the exception of a few frequent fliers (o/n, PSM, Shatshat, and occasionally others), it's just not happening. So, I guess I'm the one that now needs advice. Should I go contest again? Send people prizes or cash? Beg? Beer? End blog? Make sausages? Make fudge (ok, I did that this morning)? Move back to Chicago? Migrate to YouTube? Get a ghost writer? Kill myself? Any suggestions?

Desperately seeking Susan.

SpongeBob-No”PineappleChopPot”Pants

2007-04-15T18:09:00.000-05:00

My “prolific prose” (I’m LOL, too) is tanked, so it’s back to the list:

- The Crucifixion of Peeps and Bunny
- Fun Easter brunch gathering (sad that I didn’t invite PSM, J and Tortuga because I thought they were in MN. Don’t hate me!)
- A’s announcement that she’s too poor to even find a lover (the least of her problems, frankly)
- “Freaks” the movie (1932 – rather freaky)
- Crazy senior volunteers at the voting place drooling and yelling
- Boob injury due to underwire from bra “getting loose” and puncturing my skin while teaching – blood
- PSM looking for a nemesis (I totally want one, too!!!). Will look into taking ad out in paper.
- M makes the front page of the Marshfield newspaper (rock on!)
- Doris behaves badly
- My continued love and admiration for Alan Alda (both young and old)
- Biggy Small groovin’ overload
- Scariest hair ever at the “Italian” joint
- Ps getting ready to move here – permanently (gulp…freaking out)
- Fun surprise party for L given by H (food & wine were scrumptious). B and I were “married” for 15 minutes – now she’s expecting alimony. Geez!
- Wondering why all small tourist towns have fudge shops
- Frickin’ asshole(s) stealing my debit card number ($2,000 smackeroos) and charging $42 AT THE IN-N-OUT BURGER 6 TIMES IN ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the fuck???? I’m willing to pay for the plasma TV, but no way in hell with the multiple burgers.
- Fun afternoon with Bridge Mix at the arts thing, dance thing and lunch
- Serious headache listening to the German trying to speak Chinese – late at night in bed with his walkman. Man alive.
- Freaking out about big PRC trip (too much to do beforehand)
- A night of too much drinking, smelling people’s armpits, and talking about Phyllis Diller (?)
- Weird stuffed duck, pillow, fake flower and skull art at the art show – what?

Nissitified

2007-04-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

I have a holding pattern of about 10-12 weeks where I’m okay being a country girl, but then I get the city itch going into the 13 & 14th week. Luckily, I went “uptown” this weekend visiting Notorious Lors for her birthday.

I took the scenic Milwaukee route to Chicago this time and it was actually rather pleasant. Better than the muck you get stuck in around O’Hare. I’m also lucky to have an I-Pass, so I can bypass the awful toll lanes (what’s up with the “open road” tolling concept, G-Rod?). It took about the same amount of time, but the road signs were different, and I got to pass the Bong Recreational Center I’ve always heard (and dreamed) about.

Poor Lors had just gotten rid of one of her more toilsome clients. Let’s just call her BH. I guess she had been complaining to Lors that her colorist was out of town and how she couldn’t stand it much longer. She also demanded that Lors give her a shoulder massage for an aching muscle. What? Totally insane.

Anyway, after some laughs at the gallery, Lors and I went to Davis Street Fishmarket in Evanston for dinner. We gorged on seafood, beers and Bloody Marys. Man, that restaurant went totally upscale. What the hell happened to the seafood shack chalkboard atmosphere? I preferred the old, but the good conversation and alcohol helped me forget the over-stuffed upholstered chairs. After dinner, we tried to get tickets to “Blades of Glory,” but they were already sold out (damn it), so we headed back to her (and Ms) super chic and cool lofty like condo. T was going to meet us later, but he was suffering from a back injury and was "high on Aleve." M and Mr. Cheese were both home, so we all caught up with what was going on. M relayed to us some interesting tidbits about some of the “male clubs,” shall we say, in Chicago. For example, I guess the Eagle and Man’s Country have a list of rules one must adhere to before you enter the club (women are not allowed):

· Uniforms are encouraged (e.g., cop, fireman, UPS driver, Good Humor driver, etc.)
· A major piece of leather must be worn
· No gym shoes
· No deodorant
· No cologne

I mean seriously. These are the rules? Well, I don’t think I need to tell you what goes on in the back rooms where one must disrobe and wear towels only. It is a fascinating world – the gay club culture.

Saturday, we caught up with lots of much needed shopping – including the Broadway Antique Mall (totally cool shit in this place), CB2, Trader Joes, Jake, beers at that Irish pub place, and some shoe place on Wells where I got these awesome little Ked/Converse-like sneakers with a Jolly Roger (or rancher like I say, or “rogers jolly” like the German says) embossed on the top. Super cute. Good for the boat (and punk bars). The booze and shopping made us drowsy, so we went back to her pad for a nap and watched the reality show, “I love New York.” Yeah, like her name is fucking New York, and her mother’s name is “Sister Patterson.” That is one fucked up show. Jesus!

I treated Lors to dinner at the May Street Café in the Pilsen neighborhood. It’s a cute little funky Cuban BYOB restaurant, and it’s located in some god-forsaken area on Halsted and Cermak where there’s nothing but industrial smoke stacks. We had super yummy slow cooked pork and some spicy shrimp dish. Man, that place is now on the radar for people because it was packed and loud, but we had fun. After dinner, we headed to Wicker Park and settled on the bar/club, Subterranean. Kendall, the (hot brother) bartender, hooked us up with some Jim Jones Kool-Aid drinks that he said would not be a problem mixing with the bottle of red wine we had at dinner. He never told us what was in them, but we each had three and were feeling almost sober. I thought this may have been a dangerous sign. Speaking of Jim Jones, I was also jonesing for a smoke and spent $9 on a pack of Camel Lights like some asshole. Kendall told us that some of the other bars in the neighborhood were charging $15 a pack!!!! Unfuckingbelievable. Lors and I managed to smoke 18 out of the 20. The club was fun. It was a strange mix of hipsters with faux-hawks, a smattering of Indian IT guys with bad sweaters and glasses, and some Louis Farrakhan looking brothers. The music totally kicked ass. It was old school, new school, good “heinous” shit, and just good shit. Closer to midnight, we were feeling the groove (possibly from the Kool-Aid) and got out on the dance floor. We sang some Biggie Smalls tunes on the way home and gulped a few hits of aspirin before we hit the sack.

Sunday morning, Lors had to meet a contractor at her new condo, but I stayed back and laid around with a slight headache, but nothing too terrible. We both met up with M, R, E & J for brunch at Reza’s. Once again, we gorged on a delicious Middle Eastern buffet and caught up with what everyone was doing. R hooked me up with some free Nars shit, and I was as happy as a little school girl. The funny part of the brunch is when M started to tell E&J that they should marry the Guatemalan nannies who work for B (the owner of the gallery where they all work), so they can stay in the country and then E&J would be able to use the Guatemalan dowry as a down payment for a condo. After some champagne, we all figured out the Guatemalan beach wedding, some important Spanish words and phrases E&J should learn for the INS officers, and the flower arrangements. We cracked up. E&J also told us about “Blades of Glory” which they had seen the evening before. They relished us in details about the tie-dyed unitards, bad feathered hair, famed Olympic ice skaters making star appearances, and the JFK & Marilyn Monroe skating pair who choreographed something to “Secret Lovers” while adorning sequined presidential seals emblazoned on their costumes. Imagine if we all had to wear unitards?

After all that fun, it was back to reality – reality in the country. I won’t “get citified” again for another 13-14 weeks.

Things that make me laugh

2007-03-15T20:42:00.000-05:00

“Assistance needed in ropes and twines” said over the intercom system at Fleet Farm

“Would you like the parmesan coated chicken with your Indonesian Peanut Noodle Saute?” said by the cashier at Noodles & Company. What?

Anything Johnny Depth says

Anything Laurbean says

Anything PSM says

M-Zingers

The following song lyrics:
- wash yo’ butt (Public Enemy)
- yo’ mamma got gold nipples (Public Enemy)
- Ya mo be there (Michael McDonald)

That piece of imaginary fuzz I thought I had on the side of my nose for about 6 months in 1991

That picture of C dressed as a “Woody Allenesque” flower girl in the late 1960s

Most Woody Allen movies

Napoleon Dynamite

Stupid questions at the reference desk, including, but not limited to:
- “Would you read my poem on alcoholic poisoning and see if you think it depicts who I am?”
- “Do you have any books on men who love women too much?” asked by the Drooler on a consistent basis in 2005.

The longer version:
- “Do you think my professor will accept this as a source for my paper?” – student
- “It depends. What does your assignment say?” – me
- “I don’t have it with me.” – student
- “What class is it?” – me
- “An English class” – student
- “What English class?” – me
- “I’m not sure” – student
- “Who’s your professor?” – me
- “I’m not sure “ – student
- “Male or female professor?” - me
- “uh, (nervous giggle) hmm…” – student
- “yeah, he or she will accept any source.” – me in sarcastic and annoyed tone of voice

Almost taking off my pants in my office to pee

That naked old guy from sailing last year

The dog sitting story with Charlie, skunks and stewed tomatoes

Anything by David Sedaris

Almost anything by Augusten Burroughs

Wendy’s 1970s weight watcher cards

The beet colored JC Penney mail order bridesmaid dress I had to wear for my cousin’s wedding in the 1980s (with a hat and lace gloves)

The ghetto made “string pulley” system my mom rigged up for the broken windshield wipers on the old avocado green station wagon

My parents driving L and I to the Ashford & Simpson concert at the Auditorium Theater in the green station wagon (see above)

Tim taking orders and serving food and coffee at Melvin’s in Chicago – he didn’t work there.

What I did this week

2007-03-04T21:55:00.000-06:00

- Settled annoying jigsaw puzzle of job shuffling duties in Library
- Perv #1 tried to say hi to me three times – I ignored him each time
- Ate 5-7 pounds of gummi bears and Swedish fish due to upcoming PMS
- Unsuccessfully tried to teach 8-year-olds rond de jambe turns in ballet class – disaster
- Rolled my eyes for a total of 13 times
- Somehow fooled a business prof into believing I was a conservative
- Washed dirty gross sheets from Heart Attack Guy’s room
- Ran into what seemed like 25 people in the grocery store. I had about 5 items to purchase, and it took me 3 hours. Dreamed of living in Chicago again where I never ran into people I knew at the grocery store.
- Overdosed on Public Enemy
- Heard about dog boners
- Read, re-read, and re-re-read David Sedaris’ “The Way We Are.” LOL every time. Favorite quotes:
“Women. They'll suck the fucking paper off a joint, but when old Papa Bear needs a little b.j. action they've always got a sore throat.”
“I got preëngaged one time, but David here hasn't never come close, his being a faggot and all.”
Little Mike laughed, and then he looked at me. "For real?" he said. "Is Bromine telling me the truth?"
"Oh, he's all up inside that shit," Paul said. "Has hisself a cocksucker - I mean a boyfriend - and everything."
- Went to hear “ICS,” but no Purple Rain or Beat It! was played - despite our audience cries.
- Multislacked on Friday afternoon at work. Stacked 15 small Swedish fish on top of each other and smooshed them into a giant “big mac” style sandwich. Ate creation. Felt completely nauseous afterward. Realized I have an addiction to gummi-type candies.
- Volunteered (yet fucking again) as an usher for community theater production on Friday night. Listened to a bunch of old ladies complain about their dying husbands and friends. Did not help my psychological issue with the aging process. The “golden years” are the “rusty years” as one lady put it. Good fucking grief.
- Attended long 3-hour arts meeting on Saturday morning and dreamed about coffee the whole time.
- Was super pissy and crabby on Saturday afternoon due to not wanting turkey sandwiches for lunch at home and pending PMS. In response, I “threw” silverware around the kitchen sink and was perfunctory in my responses to all questions asked by the German. The German then squeezed me super hard and said, "I love you, too."
- Attended “Team America” viewing at D & O/N’s house. I had been tricked into thinking these were marionettes, but they looked more like characters from the movie “Chucky.” Lots of LOL, but I was mortified by the puking scene. I had to close my eyes the entire time. Also, I realized I have a pair of glasses that suspiciously look like Kim Jong II. Sex scene really didn’t freak me out (except for poopy “hot lunch” scene. I just don’t like poop period). I think I was more jealous of the stamina these two had in one night. Plus, I would have thought the golden shower in the open eyes would have burned, but it didn’t seem to bother her.
- Dreamed of being a marionette doll.

Communal Liquids

2007-02-26T20:07:00.000-06:00

HAG
It’s official. Heart Attack Guy has LEFT THE BUILDING, and I hope it’s for good. Not surprisingly, he left quite a heap of garbage in “his” room (like can you not bring your fucking garbage downstairs??), and a plethora of crumpled dirty Kleenex in his trash can. Umm, there was a giant industrial sized bottle of lotion next to his bed, so…uh…get out the rubber gloves! Total freeloader time: 4 weeks and 5 days. Did he offer us a dime? No. Did he clean anything up? No. Did I do his laundry with dirty skid mark underwear? Yes. Am I an idiot? Yes.

Oscar Fashionista?
Was it me or was Cameron Diaz in fact wearing a paper airplane last night at the Oscars? That was a tripped out idiotic dress. I wish someone would just dress funky and not give a shit. And, ladies, let’s learn how to walk in our heels and not look like an ass on a trapeze. Jesus.

Fondue Stube
This week, the “gang” went over to Gs house for some fondue. I was hoping for a totally 70s experience, and actually it came quite close. The house even had sort of a 70s smell to it – I can’t quite articulate what that means; just that’s what it was for me. The fondue itself was quite good – if you’re into communal hot liquids - and the accoutrements were very nice. It was certainly a better fondue than that shitty Fondue Stube restaurant on Peterson in Chicago. What a rip off that place is. My friend, A, loves going there because you can smoke – which I also dig – but I don’t base my culinary choices on whether or not I can smoke. What the hell is a stube anyway? Anyway, after liquid sharing, some of us trucked over to one of the local bars in town to listen to some horrendous garage goat cheese band. I’m not a connoisseur of live bands, nor do I have the ability to really analyze skillz, but this band was wretched in its sameness. Every fucking song sounded the same to me. And as N poignantly pointed out – it was the kind of music that makes you want to kill something.

My Literary Fame
The other piece of good news (aside from heart attack guy leaving), is that I actually got a piece of creative (nonfiction essay) writing (Granny Has Curls) accepted for publication. I was pretty blown away, and I sent the thing off in FUCKING JUNE!! I had basically given up on it. Jesus. Anyway, it will be available in an online not-well-known literary journal. Like I told my writing group friends, I don’t care if the editor is some pedophile sitting on death row picking lint out of his ass, I’m just happy it got accepted.

Library Pervs (continued)
I guess we have a new perv in the library (this will make perv #5) who likes to rub his feet on girls who are studying and then he flees. Supposedly, he sneaks up on them while they’re engrossed in their reading (I guess he doesn’t have shoes on according to one victim) and proceeds to rub their shoulders or neck with his feet. Not sure if he wears socks. So, the building managers and campus security are on the lookout for him. They have yet to catch him. Maybe he just watched too many Jon Waters films.

Phase 2 – Tenure Party
I’m trying to determine where would be a good place for my second party. I think I’ll throw this one out to the group. Here is a list of potential choices, but I’m game for alternatives (I believe we went through this before, so it’s a bit of a repeat. Get over it!). The party can’t take place until I get my stupid fucking letter from administration. Here’s a reality time zone check of turnaround time for anything in this weird academic universe: University time – 6-12 months. Corporate time – 6 minutes. Okay, here’s the list:

- Dance studio - I will have to get permission and see if I can bring in alcohol, but I’m guessing not, and with this crowd that will be a big no.
- Bowling – This is a new idea. There are a couple of local bowling places. I’ve never ventured into any of them, but it could be interesting. Especially if they have fake nachos and bad music.
- The Congress Club – No comment (not to be confused with the Pick Congress - no longer exists - hotel in Chicago).
- Bruiser’s (listed as a “social eatery” in the yellow pages) – uh, no.
- Skate City – We could rent a Lamers bus to get there. Actually, I work for Lamers (a well kept secret). This place is located in that stinky religious paper mill town. On Friday and Saturday nights they have something called “Aggressive Skate Night” and “Outer Limits Dance Club Skating.”
- Fleet Farm – We could have lots of fun in the aisles. Actually, I guarantee we’d have fun – like playing around with those “ball cutter contraptions,” liquid horse medication and rubber tits, eating generic industrial sized candy, and smelling cheap rubber boots, but I’m guessing we’d get kicked out.

Bang the Librarian Hard

2007-02-15T21:07:00.000-06:00

Cheap flesh thrills
For some reason, there is still a small crop of chicks walking around this campus with “muffin tops.” Someone in administration must have gotten rid of the full-length mirrors in the dorms as part of the budget reduction. Big mistake. These chicks actually have the audacity to stand in front of the reference desk and start “pogo jumping” on the industrial sized stapler and hole puncher with their tires of marbleized mid-section lard shaking up and down in my bird’s eye view. I thought about putting up some type of “warning” sign, but I experienced temporary vertigo and a headache and just stared in disbelief. I really need to bring my W magazine and just place it right next to the office supplies of “human terror.” Freaks.

Candy stripers aren’t as fun as candy strippers
My role as “candy striper” continues through the month of February (it started in late December). Aside from heart attack guy still being here (tomorrow marks 3 weeks), Tuesday night was quite an interesting evening. After scoring a sub for my ballet class, I sat in my car outside of the local Chinese restaurant – picking up my order to temporarily get out of the house from heart attack guy who was sighing and whining and sitting in the dark – and the car was “inconveniently” parked in front of our local hangout bar. I quickly called N and offered her a 20 spot and free beer to meet me for a drink and she replied, “I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” After a couple of beers and a burger (which I slathered with cheese, salt and mayo because I’m sick of heart friendly food at the moment), N invited me back to her pad. It was still relatively early, and I didn’t want to get home before the German – who was working heart attack guy’s night reference shift. Strangely, M was sitting in their (N&M) living room (no TV or anything else detectibly audible was on) looking like he was shivering from some glacier ice cap melting. Luckily, I didn’t feel like I was interrupting any important “staring.” I think it was about 30 minutes and a couple of beers later, when N’s phone rang. It was our other friend, R, calling to say that her husband, M, was having some type of flu/insulin/seizure/fainting spell and could we go pick them up. M (of N & M) and I got into the car (this happens to be my parents new car – important for the story later) and headed over to pick them up. When we got there, sick M looked very peaked, laden in sweat, and had trouble walking. Pretty scary. Somehow, through the miraculous intervention of keen zingeriness and wit, this sick man was still able to crack a couple of good jokes on the way to the ER. Positively remarkable. I think we were all there for about an hour, and I was disappointed that the ER antics in country town are about as intense as watching the grass grow. Where’s the shit that happens on the real ER or Grey’s Anatomy? Instead, we had to stare at Funions in the vending machine and wish for more beer. Sick M was rehydrated, and the “good ER doctor” (who happens to be dating my friend, Kit Kat, and they are currently on the fritz, so I’m glad I didn’t say hi) released him to go home. In yet another remarkable feat, sick M still cracked more jokes going home, and in the flash of a second he managed to get the fucking dashboard to go back to Fahrenheit from Celsius –realizing that the “E/M” button meant “English/Metric.” Yet another sign of poor correspondence school education on my part.

Kitty Butt Conundrum
As if the medical conditions that have been surrounding me lately couldn’t get worse, R called me tonight to tell me that their kitty, A, had an impacted anal gland that erupted today. They took her to the vet where she was gassed, had her ass shaved, and her little kitty anus glands had been squeezed. I bet that Hungarian woman in Chicago that waxed the crack of my ass that time would have done the same thing for kitty – only cheaper (but probably more vicious).

Bang the Librarian Hard
Between 1975 and 1988, there was a series of “hardish core” porn paperback novels about librarians published by Greenleaf Classics. They tend to make the cyberwaves once in awhile among the biblio mavens (not all of whom are fashionable by the way) who dig reading about that shit. The hilarious part is not the banter related to the description of the novels, but the anger over the classification scheme. For example, “Bang the Librarian Hard” has a PN 7315 call number. PN is the LC (the mother library) classification for literature, and the cutter number may have a different meaning depending on the main title entry. Technically, “cuttering” is to provide a logical and orderly subarrangement within a class number. Typically it’s the topic, main entry, work (title) and manifestation (edition). Topical cuttering is different from classification because it provides an alphabetical rather than hierarchical arrangement. Anyway, you catch my drift. So, it’s this shit that librarians are talking about, not the following “bang the librarian” snippet plot summary:

“Samantha Hamilton is the librarian at Madison High School. She starts by sucking off a student (a junior) in the library workroom as part of helping him on a term paper on the mating habits of modern females. When he is shocked at her crotchless panties, she comments that "I see you have the typical high school stud's opinion of us stuffy librarians." (7) She gives him a pass to his next class so he doesn't have to hurry. "Teaching students the joys of library research was Samantha's specialty." (14-15) They get caught by Joshua McGarrett, the vice principal. They engage in mutual oral sex and hope that Miss Gustafson, the head librarian, doesn't find out, as she is ‘frigid as the Arctic.’ “

This is why I love librarians. They can handle crotchless panties, porn, dried cum in the art books in the oversize stacks, peeping toms and pervs, but fuck if they will stand for erroneous cataloging standards!!! That is complete blasphemy.

Next contest challenge
My contest was quite the success. While I am STILL in the process of processing the prizes, I’m thinking about what my next contest should be. Any and all suggestions are welcome. Shatty shat came up with the heinous song contest, so I challenge any of you witty (and semi-witty) people to come up with a new contest theme. Good luck.

Heinous Song Contest Winner

2007-02-11T22:49:00.000-06:00

This was a difficult decision. Even the rubric and poking out my eardrums did not seem to help. Strangely, a handful of gummi worms cleared my mind.

I’ll start with a review of each entry before revealing the winner:

Shatty shat obviously has a hard time sticking to game playing rules (also evident in board game participation). I disagree that the Pina Colada song and The Way That I Want to Touch You really warrant the “most heinous” title. They are catchy in their own syrupy romantic 1970s way. Muskrat Love, however, is completely heinous, so I’ll give you that one. (A Justin Timberlake entry just came in from Shatty Shat, but I’m afraid it’s too late to be considered).

While some argue that “...even the oft-damned 'Owner of a Lonely Heart' isn't bad - come on, that's a catchy bass line - hell, if Zappa liked it enough to incorporate it into "Bamboozled by Love", who are we to say?" [Source: Reviewed by Bob Eichler from Ground & Sky Review site], others are smart enough to never make that argument. N, in a moment of afterthought, changed her entry to We Built This City on Rock and Roll by Jefferson Starship – a world favorite heinous song according to this blog posse and 389,000 people on Google. This is a good case of last minute switching.

Plum, in her fastidious and scrupulous attention to details of all matter – including music – also chose We Built This City on Rock and Roll by Jefferson Starship. Given her declaration that this song has the “ability to drive all other songs out of your head,” as I was tortured not so long ago by the Facts of Life theme song, her entry is also consistent with the 389,000 Google people and blog posse.

Surlycheshire is a walking “Facts on File” of all songs (she also frequently sings “Baby got Back” at karaoke night). I had never even heard We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off to Have a Good Time by Jermaine Stewart (former Soul Train dancer). This song was the hit single from his album, Frantic Romantic (1989). I think the video speaks for itself. It’s definitely in the El DeBarge/Milli Vanilli genre of musical talent. I give it an A+ for most heinous.

CarnivalArsonist chimed in with Mr. Roboto, but I’m afraid I’m in complete agreement with Plum that it’s “catchy, kitschy, fun and funny - even in its awfulness.” I also had no idea this song was based on a rock opera with a pretty complex plot line:

“The song is sung by Kilroy (as played by keyboardist Dennis DeYoung), a rock and roll performer who was placed in a futuristic prison for "rock and roll misfits" by the anti-rock-and-roll group the Majority for Musical Morality (MMM) and its founder Dr. Everett Righteous (played by guitarist James Young). He escapes the prison by overtaking a Roboto prison guard and hiding inside the emptied-out metal shell. The Roboto is a model robot which does menial jobs in the prison. The song may be understood as Kilroy's dedication to the robot that, through being sacrificed in such a way, allowed Kilroy to escape the prison.” [Source: Wikipedia].

Man, that’s some intense shit. I also think this song has a lot of potential rhythms for some concept break dancing. However, there was still mention of everyone’s favorite, We Built This City on Rock and Roll by Jefferson Starship. Therefore, I believe this is still the most heinous song according to this blog posse and 389,000 people on (the) Google.

Other N wondered why Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire even exists, but luckily (being the good librarian) I found the answer from a Mr. Ron Kurtus on a site called, “School for Champions - an educational website that shows you how to achieve your dreams.” I don’t know if this is the most heinous song, but I do think Mr. Kurtus’ interpretation of why this song is so powerful (it even includes a mini-quiz) is certainly heinous:

“In 1989, singer Billy Joel released a popular song entitled We Didn't Start the Fire. The song simply lists historical personalities and events from 1949 until 1989. Just hearing the mention of them brought back memories of the times to many listeners. The lyrics of the song proved to be a good summary of the history of that era. Questions you may have about this are:

How good a song can a list of names be?
What are the lyrics to the song?
What about these people and events?

Mini-quiz to check your understanding:

1. Why did Billy Joel pick the years from 1949 until he wrote the song in 1989?
- Those were the most important years in the history of the world
- Those were years he experienced while growing up
- Those were the years after television news programs started

2. Were the events and people mentioned in the song historical?
- If they were in the news, they were historical
- All people mentioned were personal friends of Billy Joel
- Most events never happened and were taken from TV shows

3. What did starting the fires have to do with anything?
- Billy Joel was known as a "fire bug"
- He uses fires as a metaphor for negative events
- Fires have been historical events since the great Chicago fire

There is nothing more to say. Mr. Kurtus has said it all.

Last, but not least, is Jim Beam’s (aka Zinger – no, not the Little Debbie type, but the witty comeback type) entry, Everybody Have Fun Tonight by the 1980s London new wave band Wang Chung (originally called Huang Chung). This song was voted the third worst song ever by Blender magazine. I must say there is nothing catchy or fun about this tune. It’s unadulterated awfulness. But the good news is that in 2002, Geffen Records released 20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: The Best of Wang Chung. We couldn’t live without it. HEINOUS!

WINNER
I know this is an intense moment. I struggled with coming up with one winner for most heinous song, but I simply couldn’t do it. They were all great heinous entries. Therefore, you’ve all won the most heinous song contest!

Prizes will be mailed or hand delivered within 2-4 weeks. The return of any prize as undeliverable will result in forfeiture of the prize and selection of an alternate winner, which will be difficult in this case because there are no alternate winners. So, please claim your prize!

Thank you all for playing. You’re awesome. I love you.

It's raining men

2007-02-04T16:25:00.000-06:00

My house is pretty flush with testosterone right now. Two men and a dog. This morning’s breakfast conversation was a trip down old hippy memory lane – psychedelic mushrooms, skinny dipping, tuck pointing in the nude (this seems dangerous to me), and discussion about some cactus hallucinogenic. While things have been fairly routine in the last week (and two days), there is simply too much farting and old men talk for my sophisticated taste (there was even a discussion about “mall walking” as a form of exercise when it’s cold, and talk about purchasing those geriatric old Jewish man blublocker sunglasses – as seen on TV). God help me.

Later today, a couple more guys stopped over today to visit T for some pre-game TV watching. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m actually happy to get out of here to go to a super bowl game (I loathe football). I feel a bit trapped in my own house lately. At least there’s potential for the super bowl game to have something interesting commercial or half-time wise – like “nipplegate.”

I read that Lil’ Jon will be celebrating the super bowl at the Playboy mansion with his entourage of flesh and flash. What’s up with that dude’s teeth? I can’t figure it out. He looks like he’s completely kicked back on some serious weed. Totally doped out. One freaky mother fucker. I’d love to hear him in concert though – that would be trippy.

Last night was ArtsBash. This event is Central Wisconsin's version of P Diddy's "white party" in the Hamptons, sans the hip-hop stars, paparazzi and celebs (actually the "white party" is a rip-off of Capote's Black & White parties he used to host in the Hamptons). It was a good time, but slightly more disappointing this year than previous years. Attendance seemed low, and the performances, frankly, were lame. As a matter of fact, I didn’t realize they were over until R & M told me. Kinda strange. At least I had cool straight ironed hair, thanks to R. She did a most awesome job. And P looked tres fab in her dress made of colored bias tape. Aside from the usual basement band gang, it was also good to hang out with the “dance” crew and others I haven’t seen in ages. Too many fun people – too little time.

CONTEST!
So, here’s a little contest for my blog posse readers (inspired by Shatshat). Please submit your answer in the comment section. The winner will be announced next week and will receive a lovely prize for participating. Okay, here’s the question (concentrate):

What was the most heinous song ever recorded?

CONTEST RULES
1) One entry per person
2) Winner(s) will be announced 2/11/07
3) Most heinous song will be determined by:

rubric outlining specific performance levels for heinous songery (thanks PSM)
listening to all heinous songs blindfolded while holding an ice pick to see which one makes me feel like poking out my ear drums (thanks M)
another method yet to be determined.

4) Beautiful parting prize will be delivered to winner.

Sir Mix-a-Lot loves buttocks

2007-01-22T21:12:00.000-06:00

Dedicated to the Guu's Posse, PSM, and my poor choice in music. Keep it real!

"I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up front
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got
Me so horny
Ooh, rub all of that smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz
Well use me, use me cuz you ain't that average groupy

I've seen them dancin'
The hell with romancin'
She sweat, wet, got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette

I'm tired of magazines saying flat butt's the only thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back, so...

Fellas (yeah), fellas (yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the butt (hell yeah)
Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt
Baby got back."

New Year in Chicago

2007-01-14T14:30:00.001-06:00

I’m back from my two week + break in Chicago. Due to current extreme laziness, I will simply list what I did while there. If you don’t like it – that’s tough:

- Completed proper documentation, forms and payment for Chinese Consulate travel visa (The German paid $30 and I paid $60. Hmm).
- The German visited the International Museum of Surgical Science while I drank coffee (not really into blood and skin cutting equipment. Yuck).
- The German and I visited the Chicago History Museum. Fun! The Kukla, Fran and Ollie exhibit was super cool. I also liked the Dem Convention clips from ’68, the LATE Marshall Field’s exhibit, and the old El train.
- The German and I shopped at the American Science Surplus store on Milwaukee. That’s the craziest store ever. Check it out…
- Many purchases at Powell’s bookstore.
- Two trips to the fabulous new May Street Café – urban industrial Nuevo Latino cuisine (with cute chef!!)
- Many trips to the Hospital and Rehab Center to visit Mr. S and his roommates – “Jimmy the Greek” and “Harold the Whiner”.
- Sophisticated lunch at Four Seasons with L – fabulous
- Drinks at the Intercontinental Hotel bar with Tribune reporters – fun! I hope I didn’t make it on the front page – yikes!
- Visit to Bar on Buena with drunken A after trip to Argentinean restaurant El Nandu. This resulted in several tipsy touch-tone phone calls to many Chicago and Point friends. Sorry to J for consistently referring to her as her husband M. Also, sorry to R & M and N for not calling. Why? ‘Cause I was coherent enough to know that you were not in town. Had a fun visit with S at the Bar. Haven’t seen him in 10 years at least. Crazy bastard. He confessed to me that he was 35% gay. Not sure what to make of that.
- Fun shopping trips to H&M, C&B, Shebang, Trader Joe’s, L’Occitane, Victoria’s Secret House of Whores on Michigan Avenue (hate that place), and the Container Store.
- Interesting and disturbing exhibits at the Museum of Contemporary Art
- Fun trip to Kaya Spa and major purchase of Jurlique products to rid myself of sad and desperate dark circles and broken capillaries.
- Many good restaurant outings aside from the above mentioned, including: Banderra, Cousins, Ossteria, Amarit, Tucci Benuch, Kamehachi, Peking House and Bistro something.
- Excellent Blues night at “Blues” starring Toronzo Cannon and his new song, “Ernestine.” L & I had a good time.
- Bittersweet Starbucks reunion at Ed’s funeral. It was great to see Mike, Kim, Anna Banana, “Bev,” Sara and Paul, Julie P, Curt, Danielle, and, of course, “Johnny Depth.” I haven’t seen many of these people in over 10 years. Luckily, there was no Tenutta spotting, but there was a look alike – freaky. Beautiful singing by Lyric Opera Chorus members at service. Many laughs, crazy Starbuck stories, hilarious conversations at the Peking House, and good drinks at Philanders in Oak Park with Joe the bartender.
- Crazy unexpected run-in with B & S from Point. A spur of the moment get-together at the party room in my parents’ building. We had wine, pistachios and watched the fog roll in. Fun!
- Went to Grandma’s house for crochet lessons and she swathed me with scanes and scanes of green yarn. Why? I have no idea. She also wants me to make pink potholders with a yarn that has the name of “Sugar ‘n Cream.” What? How crazy is that.

Deconstructing Shrimp Sushi & Happy New Year!

2006-12-24T12:44:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite librarians arrived in town yesterday – the fashionable Ms. M (let’s just call her that). It was a surprise last-minute visit, and Y and I met her for dinner at the local Japanese restaurant (yes, we only have one). There are certain people you occasionally meet in life that you know when you see them it will be a guaranteed good time. Ms. M is one of those “guaranteed good time” people. And, of course, the three of us had a deliciously fabulous time – despite stormy blizzard driving weather, tragic stories about high school crushes on boys with chopstick-like legs, power outages in the restaurant and all over town, and a shrimp sushi mishap. Ms. M revealed some of her 2007 resolutions, and I thought I’d share a few of them ‘cause they’re good ones:

1) Add sunshine and happy emoticons to email communication to avoid sending the occasional feeling of malaise to her friends.
2) Start a program for “homonymaholics”
3) More “good times” (including the possibility of having a specially made gaudy ghetto nameplate necklace that says “Good Times.” Hey, Ms. M, if you get this made, order two of them. I’ll pay you back)

This made me start thinking about my resolutions for this year. In the past, I’ve always made the resolution to drink more. I believe I was trying to accomplish this for ten years, and I think this past year I finally accomplished that goal (and then some). So, here are my resolutions:

1) Climb every mountain
2) Ford every stream
3) Follow every rainbow
4) 'Til you find your dream!
5) Wait – scratch the above (damn that Sound of Music!)
6) Drink in moderation (hmmm)
7) Work on becoming a “famous” writer (ha! I can still dream though – see scratched #4 above)
8) Decide whether the unfinished afghan started last year should be completed or turned into scarf.
9) Purchase new nail polish colors
10) Lose weight (ha! The most boring popular resolution of all. Okay, while 10-15 pounds would be super groovy, I just don’t know that it’s going to happen).
11) Exercise (ha! The second most boring popular resolution of all. Another thing I don’t think is going to happen, but I really wish it would)
12) Spend more time staring out the window
13) Start planning the shape for next year’s cheese ball creation for a holiday party (this year was a penis decoupaged with sliced almonds)
14) Start thinking about what I’ll wear to the next D & O/N Halloween costume party
15) The German just read this and wants me to add “stop complaining about your looks.” Yeah, keep dreaming you verrückt Deutsche mann!
16) Keep reading other fun blogs – like poundy
17) Learn at least 5 Chinese words before big trip in May
18) Consider a new “look” because I’m bored with current look – possibly a Dolce & Gabbana version of a pilgrim?
19) Continue having good times with friends and think about ways that they will not become completely bored with me and want to stop hanging out with me
20) Visit Chicago as much as possible before parents move here officially and I cry every day knowing that my roots have been permanently moved.

Happy New Year everyone!! I love you all.

“Ready-to-not-wear” (or prêt-à-nas-porter)

2006-12-07T22:51:00.000-06:00

Going to a holiday party this season? Here are some helpful tips:

Avoid all types of decorated holiday sweatshirts. You know the ones – bells, felt Santa appliqués, snowmen with jingle bells, snowmen with jingle bells and lights, or an entire patchwork felt Christmas or nativity appliquéd scene with bells, lights, sequins and other cheery adornments.
Note: If for any reason you’re feeling sexually aroused during the work day, find someone wearing the above. Holiday sweatshirts will turn your heat factor off instantly – a sure way to curb any sexual fantasy. The German swears by it (better than a cold shower).

Avoid all types of decorated holiday accessories. You know the ones – bell earrings, ornament earrings that play Christmas carols, reindeer headbands, reindeer headbands with bell earrings and a necklace of lights and Santa pins that sing Christmas carols.
Note: See note above.

Avoid drinking lots of spiked eggnog while eating heavy mayonnaise and sour cream based dips and then topping it off with a few final shots of Tequila at a holiday work party.
Note: Try not to puke on precariously placed poinsettia plants near atrium lobby while security guard watches you intensely.

Avoid dull-colored brown polyester/acrylic pants with an elastic waist band (that actually sit high on your waist), topped with a cheap Guatemalan made acrylic oatmeal sweater with horizontal brown and rust stripes with drab shoulder-length dried-out curling iron curled hair, bad “at-home” bang job, and a scrunchy tying up the greasy top part.
Note: Outfit witnessed at a holiday gathering at Noodles & Company – a real hunger buster.

Avoid squirrel stew at any rural holiday pot-luck gathering. Sometimes you’ll see tufts of fur while stirring the crock pot and you’ll gross out and scream and scare people.
Note: Red squirrel meat supposedly is more tender.

Avoid dieting. There’s no point during this time of year – complete waste of time and no one wants to hear it – especially at a holiday party. Instead, just gorge on every delicious Mexican wedding cake cookie, chocolates, cheese trays and everything else. Pack it in and wait until spring to start loading up on the laxatives.
Note: Chocolate ex-lax is quite tasty.

Avoid attending drag shows as a “holiday alternative party” with co-workers you normally don’t socialize with. This can be a real downer – even if people are having a good time. You don’t socialize with these people for a reason – and a drag show ain’t gonna help.
Note: Most drag queens will look better than any of your female colleagues sitting at your holiday table. It’s just a fact – accept it.

Brits-Butts-A-Natta-Licious

2006-11-30T21:43:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah, it’s happening again. Writer’s block! Here I tried to write up a little something for my writer’s group about tween poshness, and it turned into a jigsaw puzzle of plagiarized borrowed phrases from my favorite fashion magazines – W and Vogue (and some Wolcott from VF thrown in for good measure). Blah!!!!! HELP!!!!

Aside from almost dissolving into tears of boredom from two EXTREMELY long meetings today, and losing sleep due to my cold and my dog all of the sudden turning into “Jack Torrance” in the middle of the night, I’m still managing to keep an even keeled crabby mood for a good ten hours plus and running. Good for me!

I called to make an appointment today for some cholesterol lab work, and they told me that I had to fast for 12 hours, avoid exercise for 3 days, and not chew gum for 8 hours prior to the appointment. Who came up with this wacked out study that determined gum chewing, exercising and eating at integrated hours was bad for a blood test? Give me a break! I may just chew up some Bubbalicious right beforehand to piss them off.

The latest names to make the reports through the social service system in Chicago? “LaTwinkle” and “Peaches n’ Cream” (yes, first name and a boy).

Yeah, I saw the Britney ass pic yesterday, and let me tell you something – not impressed! Okay, I’m not one to be talking about other people’s asses, but really people – she’s white trash inside and out!!! Who the fuck is walking around in the shortest frickin’ tarted up "Elly May Clampett" black tight-ass smock dress with your gelatinous ass cheeks flashing the whole fucking world? Who’s to blame, Britney? Paris??? Bring back the 2000 Britney, Britney! That’s the Britney some strange people would like to remember (even though she was a whorey nothing-at-all white talentless trash back then, too. See? I told you I was crabby).

Today, I was totally dressed up for work – like overkill. Why? Too lazy to iron or wash anything . Sad. Yes, I strutted my red suede skirt I bought in NYC in 2001, my cool punk rock black moon boots from Giardon in Chicago, my Eileen Fisher black sweater and short cardigan (not a huge fan of Gunney Sac Eileen wear, but sometimes you just gotta go with the flow). All this for a crabby mood and boring meetings. Isn’t that a fashion tragedy?

Hmmm. Predictable headlines for the paper tomorrow?

The US: Turning a bad situation into another bad situation.

Iraq? We’ll free you from your dictator and instead bring you civil war!

Africa? We’ll cure your hunger until you all become fat and die early of heart disease! Just like us!

Cogito ergo sum caffeine

2006-11-21T23:22:00.000-06:00

Last weekend I felt really lousy. I took six hour naps and could barely spit out audible sentences. Monday was really bad. I had a horrendous headache, and during an appointment with a student I could only point to the computer screen trying to explain what I was doing while I stuttered for words. I figured this was all a reaction to the shots and thought I should probably call the doctor. When I got home that night, however, the evidence of my mental deterioration was staring me right in the face - an empty bag of decaffeinated coffee spotted in the trash! I realized the German had been making decaf in the mornings and I was suffering the consequences. He’s not particularly alert in the a.m., so I determined he misread the label. But I was pretty irritated. I lost a good three days from this fiasco, and what I found most disturbing was the discovery that my entire being - nature, character, soul, “intellect,” emotion, humor - is 95% caffeine. I don’t remember learning about this in school. I thought my body was largely made up of water? It was a gruesome discovery.

I’m thinking abut taking an ad out in the papers supporting the deers. During hunting season (I can’t believe I’m actually using this local yokel phrase), you see ads in the paper wishing the hunters good luck. What? They don’t fucking need luck – the fucking deer need the luck, man!! They’re all like, “Get a bulls eye and bring home the big buck!” “Good luck hunters!" "Be Safe!" "Snag the big one!” Frickin’ idiots. My ad will read “Calling all Bambis – run for your fucking lives!!!!!!” or “Beware of camo-covered drunk lard asses with guns! Charge the mother fuckers!!!!” Idiots.

I’m thinking about hiring a stylist. You know with my new tenure and all. I’d like to have a person on hand to help me out. On the stylecareer.com site, this is how they define the stylist profession:

“A stylist is an expert who uses art and science to make people and objects look good in order to make a statement. A lesser known fact is that a stylist also works with objects, such as, apparel, interior, exterior, merchandise, tabletop, food, furniture and landscape.”

I’m not sure what “interior” and “exterior” they refer to (i.e., my body work or house body work?), nor do I understand “tabletop,” but I think a stylist would suit me quite well. Actually, this puts a spin on my ad. Maybe it would read something like this:

“Seeking a creative deer/squirrel/bunny-loving fun stylist who uses art and science to make people and objects look good. Urban resident who subscribes to Vogue and W preferred. Deer hunters need not apply.”

Gimme a shot of Typhoid Fever please

2006-11-14T16:19:00.000-06:00

I went to the doctor today for a pap smear, right boob exam and a hepatitis shot. No, I don’t have hepatitis, but I have to get a series of vaccinations for my trip to China and Tibet in May.

Strangely, I had to fill out a questionnaire again as if I were a new patient. Some of the questions I find very peculiar because they are circumstantial. For example, they ask if you are sexually active. I don’t know how they define active. Do they mean active as in having it period or active as in several times a week? Then there was a question, “Are you sexually satisfied?” Uh, is this Match.com? Then there are the horrific pregnancy and how many partners have you had questions. I usually leave those blank and then if the nurse asks I just say, “Oh, I must have missed those.” It’s hard to tell a nurse with a saccharine smile and hard-curled hair who’s wearing a 2 x 4-sized gold cross necklace that you’ve had [an] abortion(s) and that you’re not quite sure how many sex partners you’ve had in your lifetime (does this include relationships or just one night stands? See, I need clarification). Either way, she thinks you’re a big fat whore - even if she smiles at you.

Anyway, I was told today that I need several shots for China and that they have to be administered at certain times. I need three series of Hepatitis A & B shots, Typhoid Fever, Influenza Virus #714, MMR, and a Tetanus booster. I was hoping to have the shots spread out over time, but my doctor said it’s best to start with them today, which would be 5!!!!! Frickin’ 5!!!! I never get flu shots, and I’m not big into putting anything other than food, coffee, liquor and sperm in my body. Other foreign substances just don’t agree with me. Despite my subtle suggestion of just administering one shot today, she disagreed and said, “Let’s just get it over with. Besides, you’ll still have a number to go before your trip.” Yuck. So, I got the whole shebang – Hepatitis A & B, Typhoid, Flu, Tetanus and MMR boosters. I’m sure it’s all psychological, but I feel crappy, and I can’t move my arms above my hips. I look like a retard (Mary Catherine Gallagher). I’m even sitting on books as I type this entry. Luckily, I didn’t need a pap and my right boob cyst is still the same size. That was the only plus of the appointment.

I just got my new “W” today. I’ll read it over tonight and slather you all with the latest fashion trends. There is, surprisingly, a new fashion section called “Tot & Teen Fashionistas” – I kid you not! Good grief. They may have gone too far. I do, however, wish my name was Muffie Astor. It’s so Fifth Avenue preppy. I’m sure it would garner quick reservations at chic restaurants. Oh yeah, there are no chic restaurants were I live. How quickly we forget (but I can still live in an imaginary chic world).

Politics and applied reasoning?

2006-11-09T11:19:00.000-06:00

Elections... hmmm... well, I guess it was a good day if you're a democrat, a confusing day if you're interested in politics, a sad day if you're a human being, and an embarrassing day if you're a Wisconsinite, or any of the other idiotic states that had the marriage amendment on the ballot. Death penalty, civil unions, English as an official language? Ugh. At least the people in Arizona are smarter than we may have thought. And then to top it off, idiot Todd Stroger, Jr. won the Cook County race in Illinois. Good grief! That jackass can’t even string two sentences together. He must have gone to the “Flunky Chicago Mayor Eugene 'Mumbler' Sawyer’s School of Rhetoric.”

Frankly (there's that damn word again), I'm tired of it being about Democrat or Republican. Whatever happened to logic, applied reason and fact to solve issues? So many people blame the politicians themselves for the problems in our political system, which is certainly a big part of it, but I think the other big problem is the voters. You have politicians on one side perpetually trying to solidify as much control as possible and then you have ignorant people in the electorate who want to legislate personal opinion and preferences. I really don't know. Johnny Depp got it right. Buy an island in France and stay there.

On personal news, I turned in the “big” 200-page file today. Thank god that’s over. I almost don’t know what to do with myself now. I’m sure I’ll think of something. I think I’ll take up more drinking.

Bud Sommerville - First American Curling Inductee

2006-11-05T23:19:00.000-06:00

“The World Almanac is probably the most fun of all the reference books. At least every team has to have a collection of them.”
Quote: Barry from team Network – “Trivia Town: A Little Movie about the World’s Biggest Trivia Contest”

This is a line from the just released (not yet distributed) “Trivia Town” movie. A great little local culture flick about the annual Trivia contest held in Stevens Point, WI. Click on the trailer from the link below to get a snapshot of the madness:
http://www.triviatownmovie.com/

I’m STILL (yes, still) in the process of putting my little “what have you been doing for the last seven years?” file together in hopes of the ultimate “stamp of approval” job-security-for-life-unless-you-murder/rape-someone. It’s a super hassle, and I struggle with avoiding the “scrap booking” file syndrome, while also trying to incorporate my own little “librarian documentation style.” I find academic documentation to be aesthetically as boring as early 1970s cardboard. It has no zip, but it’s a culture that does not appreciate “eye zip” because it’s then considered to not “look” serious or academic. It’s troubling. The business world is leaps and bounds ahead of us in terms of presentation and documentation style looks, but I fear that the staid academic style will be with us for years to come.

I was tortured - yet again - by the “Facts of Life” today by this little number that my friend, PSM, sent to me:

Facts of Life Torture Site It is never ending agony.

Well, the countdown starts tonight: I have 129 hours before “big file” is due, and I still have lots to work on. Wish me luck and please send me good vibes and comments! I promise many parties (big and small) when this is all over.

Dance of the seven dollar

2006-10-29T22:29:00.000-06:00

It’s no dance I’ve ever heard of, but it was a funny phrase said by D at Fred & Ginger’s chili party last night. I don’t remember the context, but it doesn’t really matter ‘cause it’s still funny. I think it had something to do with grand plies’ in second position and stuffing dollars in peoples pants. Or maybe it had to do with “quail tarding” someone’s wife? Hmm. Or maybe it was Bush going on “the Google” to search for Uranus. Hard to say. Despite a couple of short-term gas leaks from certain gassy guests that required a quick evacuation from the kitchen for some fresh air, the party was super fun! There were loads of gummi worms, fancy carved pumpkins, cakes, backbends, lots of chili-eatin’, squirrel books, and drinking (of course). One of the highlights of the night was belting out the catchy tunes from the 1970/80s TV sitcoms. But that fucking “Facts of Life” tune is now soldered in my brain. All day it keeps running through my head despite trying to tune it out with other music, TV and a meat tenderizer. But to no avail. It’s still there – hangin’ on for dear life - and it’s PISSING ME OFF!!! I shouldn’t have to suffer alone, so I think I’ll torture the rest of you:

"You take the good
You take the bad
You take them both and there you have the facts of life
The facts of life.

There's a time you gotta go and show
You're growin' now,
You know about the facts of life.
The facts of life.

When the world never seems,
To be living up to your dreams.
And suddenly you're finding out,
The facts of life are all about you.
All about you.
You-u-u-u,
A-ll about you.
It takes a lot to get em right,
But you're learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of li-fe."

I'm taking suggestions for my blog - sort of like a readers satisfaction survey. Is there anything you wish I would include that I'm not? Do you want more fashion? Sass? Pussy references? What can I do to make this blog better? Let me know, 'cause I want to make you - the reader - happy.

Masturbation He Wrote

2006-10-22T22:36:00.000-05:00

Gay marriage ... people need to go one way or the other. I’m thinking about writing some type of letter to the editor/opinion piece on the whole amendment issue. I mean if you're going to allow marriage and its benefits, you need to let anyone marry whoever the hell they want. If you want to ban marriage, then ban all marriage. Think of all the potentially great TV shows we could have with gay marriage? Gay Divorce Court, the Gay Wedding Channel, Masturbation He Wrote starring Mark Foley (alright that has nothing to do with marriage, but I had to throw it in), My Two Dads (hmmm... actually that was a show). Alright, maybe things won't change that much ... which is exactly my point. People are idiots. “Marriage is sacred?” Who the hell came up with that? Please! Check the latest census stats on marriage – sacred my ass. People are nutballs.

Disco Cures Cancer was pretty fun this year, but it was held in a bowling “center” (yes – a center, not an alley). This bowling center had low ceilings and a portable dance floor that had bubbles in it, so that wasn’t too cool. I missed the place they held it in for the last few years. Anyway, I wound up wearing my “True Disco” ensemble (the Pancake House Waitress ensemble was voted down), which consisted of a gold lame tunic top, black flared jazz pants, black patent leather open toe platforms, faux-fur rimmed denim patch work car-coat, fake long ponytail, and Elton John sunglasses. My outfit turned out to be pretty okay. We all had a groovy time and exchanged the latest dirty lingo. I learned the term “sharted,” which is a fart with poop spray, and I taught them the term “clitty litter.” The next morning we all went for pancakes at the Log Cabin and loaded up on lots of coffee.

I’d like to take an online poll about Phase I of my tenure party festivities (the tenure parties will last approximately a year, so I have to spread out the fun. If for some reason I’m denied tenure, I will hopefully be working at the Dairy Queen, which means we will be limited to a Brazier/Blizzard party, but that could still be fun!).

Please cast your vote for party place/activity in the comment section. This party will probably happen in early to mid December. If you have another suggestion not listed, let me know:

1. Our house – cocktails/appetizer stuff
2. Our “local hangout” – I will buy booze and food
3. Some other bar in town that possibly has karaoke
4. The dance studio – I could bring in booze and food and we could all have a dance party (assuming this is okay with the owner, which I’m sure she’d be fine with)
5. Other

Do you know you have peas sitting here?

2006-10-16T23:11:00.000-05:00

The German and I just went “dumpster diving” (really it was curb picking) in our neighbor’s yard. She’s dead, so I didn’t think she’d mind too much. We found some old aluminum cans, mostly nuts, that were kinda cool. Not sure what I’ll do with them, but at least I can tell people that I own a lot of “nutty canisters.” I bet if I looked in the Encyclopedia of Associations, I would undoubtedly find a reference to “The Association of Antique Nut Canister Collectors.” God, I love that book! Super fascinating. There’s a lot of weird shit out there.

The German is also tickled with his latest acquisition – 16mm film projectors. Yes, plural. Three actually. And about 100 films to go with it. Tonight he watched “The Eye of the Beholder.” The other night was “Voice Physiology.” The voiceover in all of these films is the same guy that did every film back in the 50s, 60s, and 70s, and it’s frickin’ weird. I wonder if they auditioned people for it? Remember when they would change the voice of a cartoon character – like Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble or George Jetson? I hated when they did that.

Here’s a list of things I dislike:

Nose picking
Sawdust-like-consistency tomatoes
Farting
Jackie Mason
Gory movies (this includes blood, puking, poking eyes out and stuff like that)
Gelatinous meats
Niagara Falls
Staircase haircuts with frosted streaks
Garanimal type coordinated outfits
Orthopedic shoes (when you’re not orthopedic)
Mary Jane Candies
Marilou Henner
Herring
Country music
Country décor
Any type of salad that has the word “surprise” in the title
Patricia Wexler’s Lip Pump Up Injector
Fake boobs
Fake tans
Know-it-alls
Venison or squirrel stew

Daddy Don't Live In That New York City No More

2006-10-09T20:13:00.000-05:00

I just got back from NYC and my trip was too good. It was essentially perfect. I wanted to move there instantly. To refrain from this desire I had to think – hard – what it would be like living there on a day to day basis at my age and income. It would be very nice if we could all live parallel lives. This would resolve my urban and rural desires. My fascination with NYC is full of clichés, so I won’t bore you with them, but I will bore you with one, and that is that life in New York is like the world walking in front of your face 24/7. I wonder if my excitement about the city when I was studying ballet there when I was younger just lingers every time I go there - like some sensory memory or something.

Here is a diary/reporter type list of the things I did and saw:

The puddle jumper plane from here to Milwaukee on the stormy Wednesday 6 a.m. flight was uber nauseating, but I didn’t puke, so that was good. Midwest Airlines does have nice comfy leather reclining seats.

The first night I stayed at P & J’s apartment on the Upper West Side. They are very good friends of my family since I was a teenager. P & Js daughter also studied ballet way back when, although she’s a few years younger. P was also a librarian (now retired), around my mom’s age, and J was a professor at U of C and is now at Harvard (he’s on sabbatical in NY this year teaching at Columbia).

This apartment was frickin’ unbelievable – it’s a triplex with a spectacular view, terrace and gigantic ceilings that practically knocked me over I was so wowed.

During the afternoon, P fed me a very nice lunch and then we walked around the neighborhood and came back to drink wine on the terrace. I was ready to offer my services right then and there as a live-in maid (sorry Stinker and German).

That night, we went to Fiorelli’s for appetizers and wine (across from Lincoln Center), and then we went to the NY Film Festival at Alice Tulley Hall to see Reds, which starred Warren Beatty and Diane Keaton (released in 1981). A & J (A is the daughter of P&J, J is her husband) met us at the theater. I dare say Reds may have been the best movie I’ve ever seen. If you’ve not seen the film, it is a lifetime must. Warren Beatty was there and did a Q&A after the film, which was quite interesting. He’s much more than just his Shampoo and Dick Tracy persona. I never thought he was very interesting, but that movie completely changed my image of him. New York crowds actually know what applause means, not like the lame audiences you see here in the Midwest – pathetic.

After the movie, we went back to P&J’s apartment for oxtail soup, cheese and wine, and chatted it up until 2 in the morning.

The next day, P and I went for an hour walk through Central Park. The weather was glorious, and it was great to be outside enjoying the Park.

After the Park, we went back to the apartment and then got ready to meet J at the Harvard Club because he was meeting with someone there. This was quite a regal place in all its masculine glory. We all had a drink at the bar and then went for lunch at a nearby restaurant, which was uber yummy. For you foodies, I had a great roasted yellow beet, fennel and grilled goat cheese salad with a walnut vinaigrette. Delicious!

After lunch, we all hopped into a cab to get to the Americas Society where J had an afternoon meeting. P wanted to show me the building because it had some interesting art work. While there, J introduced me to David Rockefeller who was chairing the meeting. I also met Mrs. Pillsbury. It was the Hollywood of academia and old money. Luckily, I was dressed appropriately, and this was a case where I was rather shy (hard for some of you to believe I’m sure).

P and I then strolled down Madison Avenue and window shopped. We did indulge ourselves and stopped at the Missoni store to drool over the fabulous sweaters, coats and scarves. The least expensive thing I came across was $345 and that was a bargain. It was a scarf.

We got back to the apartment and I packed up my things to head over to the Chelsea Savoy, the hotel near my conference (thanks to N for the recommendation). I love the Chelsea area because it’s like a hipper version of Boys Town in Chicago. I was, however, sad to leave the super swank apartment and go to the dumpy Chelsea, but it was actually quite nice and a dynamite location.

After I checked in, I walked around to check out the neighborhood and stopped at a Thai place for dinner. It was very good and cheap, so I was happy. I also stopped at the bookstore to get John Reed’s book, “Ten days that Shook the World,” and an US Magazine. I wandered back to the hotel and went to bed early because I was very tired and had to get up early.

The Foundation Center, which is where the conference was held, was right on Fifth and 15th. Yet, another great location. The morning walk was nice and there were a gazillion great coffee/croissant places (not Starbucks believe it or not), so I enjoyed my favorite elixir before heading to the conference.

I knew a few people that were attending the conference, including the guy who was running the whole thing because we both graduated together from Madison in ’97. He was great and is a very good in front of a crowd. The sessions were actually pretty interesting, and I learned quite a bit and realized how much I have not been doing with the Foundation Collection at our place. But there’s only so much one can do when you have multiple responsibilities at work.

For lunch, a group of us went to a Cuban restaurant and it was fantastic! I actually had the standard Cuban sandwich with sweet potato fries, but some others were a bit more exotic. It was scrumptious and a fun atmosphere and the librarians loved it. For a librarian crowd that generally looks meek and uninteresting, once you tap into their psyche, most of them are quite interesting and funny (despite some sad clothing).

The afternoon sessions were also good and the networking was worth the trip on its own. I felt like I was ready to write grants for people for millions of dollars and that everyone would get one! At least I have a better grasp of some good resources, even for faculty looking for research grants, so I’m happy about that.

That evening we went to the Morgan Library for a private tour. This place was phenomenal and the rare books and manuscripts practically took my breath away. I saw Oscar Wilde’s notebooks, the first edition of Jane Austen’s Emma with her scribbles noted in the margins, Walt Whitman’s poetry notebook and one of the copies of the Gutenberg Bible. J.P. Morgan’s library and study were quite remarkable. They had a special exhibit on Bob Dylan, but I can’t stand him so I didn’t go to that (sorry people).

After the tour, a group of 8 went to a traditional Korean Barbeque for dinner. It was quite fun and more exotic than the typical Korean barbecue. I had some crazy casserole thing in a giant witch like stoneware pot that was flaming hot. It was delicious! The place was packed and pretty reasonable. A couple of people went out afterward, but I was too tired and went back to the hotel.

The next day it was back to the conference from 8 – 3, so the usual session stuff. There were a lot of cracks about that goofball Matthew Lesko, so we had some good laughs.

After the conference, which was the last day, I went shopping. I bought a couple of things – another pair of boots (god help me), a sweater and some books, but nothing super extravagant. It was fun looking around, but the crowd to get into the dressing rooms of some of the stores was a big turnoff.

That night, I met my “cousin” B and her husband, T. B is not officially my cousin, but she is my cousin’s cousin and we’ve known each other since we were kids, so I call her my cousin anyway. They met me at the hotel and we took a cab to the Village and went to a really great Ethiopian restaurant. I love the spongy bread like matter that you scoop all the goodies with. It’s so cave like. Anyway, it was really good food and good conversation. God those Ethiopian women are frickin' beautiful. You really want to shoot yourself after you see one because they are drop dead gorgeuous and make the rest of us look like blobby white potato sacks. B has left the horrible publishing world and is now an academic advisor at NYU. T is finishing up his dissertation at CUNY on Jamaican music. We kibitzed about our goofy Aunt M and the rest of the family. I just hope I didn’t say anything that will get leaked back to Aunt M because it will end up in her Christmas newsletter and that would be tragic!!!!!!

After dinner we went to the V bar on Bleeker and 3rd for a nightcap. A nice small dark and fairly subdued bar, which made for a perfect end to a perfect day.

I got home around midnight and sadly packed up my things to head home the next day. My flights back were perfect without any hitches and the weather was beautiful.

So, that wraps up my five days in NYC. It was quite grand and I can’t wait to go back next year for the same conference. I hope L can get away and go with me. It reminded me of the time we stayed at the Hotel Chelsea back in the late 80s or early 90s when we went to Nells, saw Prince eat fries with black leather gloves, went to Parachute, laughed at the moisturized Papaya chicken places, danced and got drunk the entire week. Fun fun fun.

Now how can I live this parallel life?

Mizrahi’s Roller Disco Extravaganza

2006-09-28T23:06:00.001-05:00

I’m thinking about having a party in phases – sort of like real estate development:

Phase I – The Bambi Valley Resort
Phase II – The Silver Swan Lake Chateau
Phase III – The Private Equity Exclusive Residence Club and Suite.

However, phase I of my party would more likely be some title related to roller disco, which I’m obsessed with. Lately, I’ve been listening to an old disco tape in the bathtub because it’s the only tape I can find. The one “bad” song on the tape is the old classic, “Le Freak C’est Chic,” and it’s perfect for a roller disco party. I even have the entire song choreographed with celebs and non-celebs appearing in the piece. I think Isaac would be excellent as the center stage roller disco queen. Then I also see Topher Grace, Sandra Bernhart, and Jeremy Piven (don’t ask me why him). Then the Chicago posse (old & new) – L-Bean, Toronzo, incense guy from Smart Bar, Low Down, Don, Chip, James & Dan (Barney’s crew – they have an excellent sequence of dance “freezes”), Rach, Mike, Smiley (L-Bean knows this reference!!!!!! Bazooka bubble gum and super foxy, and of course an excellent dancer), and then a couple of NY posse (old) – Golden boy, Hawk girl, and good ol’ actor JH. Madison posse – Milton (only one I can think of that can dance). Point posse would be lovely dancer P, G, M, A, S, B, B, PSM (she’s like a super karaoke performer, so I think she’s probably good at roller disco, too), that kid from the Dance Dept that’s super good, Fred & Ginger, and then the basement band/bar crew filtered into certain sequences (I’m not sure about their dance capabilities). And of course, “fashionable librarian M” of Iowa. Not because I know anything of her roller disco skating abilities, but I do know she’ll have a smack-assing cool disco outfit. I envision lots of rainbow legwarmers, old-fashioned skates, disco lighting, some good booze and music, and a rink. I’ll keep people posted on the “phase development” of the party. Right now it’s just a fantasy “faze” in my head. I wonder if anyone would go? The problem is the guest list, which when I started quickly jotting down names was over 150 people. That’s a lot of boozey disco queens in one place.

Right now I’m in the process of documenting my life and justifying my permanence for tenure. It’s all very European. Cementing your fate and future in Central Wisconsin - this is how they keep residents here. It’s very tricky.

I thought I had seen an announcement that Brook Astor was dead, but I guess she’s still hanging on. I’m sure this family imbroglio has her ticker going strong – even at 104. Supposedly her Crème De La Mer has now been replaced by Vaseline, and her Teuscher chocolates from Switzerland have been replaced by Kit Kats. Frankly, that is tragic. And, frankly, I’ve been using the word “frankly” way too much lately. It seeped into my vocabulary about three weeks ago. I don’t know where I picked it up, but it’s reaching the point of irritation. I wonder if I’ll ever make it into cosseted blue-blooded centenarian status? The problem is the blue-blood. I don't think this is something you can acquire - it's only through good rich genes.

Fashion News from Andre:
While Zara Beard “exercises four hours a day, plays polo and tennis, runs and keeps her eye on fashion,” I’ll tell the rest of you what’s in, according to the fashion bible – Vogue (thanks, L-Bean for the subscription!). It’s all about colored, textured tights with wedge or platform boots, either knee-high or ankle, or pumps. Mixing colors is just fine. It’s also all military and 80s this season. As a matter of fact, I was so inspired by ubermodel GB’s spread, that yesterday I wore my newly acquired black punk rock moon military boots with hot pink tights, a military-esque black jacket, and cropped wool trousers. And I wore this for a presentation!!! It was kind of crazy looking, but a little push into the edge of the real fashion world is occasionally a good thing. Plus, if I wasn’t a victim to ephemeral fashion trends, I might start wearing "Separates" as they call it in the Ladies Department of bad department stores, and have putrid shoulder-length hair with a bad "steps" cut disguised as layers and frosted highlights from a box. Now, that would be tragic.

Peep show

2006-09-24T15:05:00.000-05:00

This past week was chock full of endless back to back teaching, meetings, and other “stuff” that made me mental. As a matter of fact, during work on Thursday, a couple of people asked me if I was stoned because my eyes were completely bloodshot and I was in my overtired nonsensical state of mind. I think I averaged about five hours of sleep for four nights straight, and I don’t function well on such little sleep in my old age. When I was in my 20s, I managed to stay out four nights a week until 5 or 6 in the morning. Those were my “Smart Bar” days. Man, L and I really fucking partied hard. I could never do that now. Back then, I’d get home at 5 or 6, take a quick shower (or just brush my teeth) and run out in my trampy outfit with full-on slut makeup from the night before and go to work or school or wherever. The really trampy days were when I wore the same outfit two days in a row after “slugging it out” with some bar fool, like “low down” in his boric acid apartment (who danced right after we did it. Luckily he wore two rubbers. Freak! He was a really good dancer though). I drank butt loads of coffee and smoked a pack of Kools a day. Now I have mentholated lungs. Yikes. Youth.

Friday night provided a little reprieve from the hectic week when all of the illustrious peeps got together at our local hangout bar. It was nice to see familiar smiling faces - Other N, D, Plum, M, N, M, Fred & Ginger, P, and other regulars and non-regulars. I vowed I was going to stay for just a bit and not get drunk, but that didn’t really happen. It seemed like every minute I turned around there was another pitcher of beer and my glass was full. Unfortunately, I’m not too good at saying no. Needless to say, I was a bit blottoed, and in my usual intoxicated fashion I was in love with everyone. Hopefully, I didn’t offend anyone. I paid for it yesterday with a major headache.

The German and I had a lovely evening last night at L & H’s house (despite beer headache). Full on Greek fare that was uber scrumptious! The other fascinating part of the evening was all the cool footwear that people had on (with the exception of the German, of course). I had my new black punk-rock moon boots, and B had on these super swanky upper-crust British golf/saddle shoes, and his friend, B, had on very suave caramel-colored leather ankle boots with a square tipped toe. I do love a good shoe. I also found out that there is a new “Super Scrabble” game that has just been released, so for N, P and other people digging Scrabble, we must have a tournament (no cheating, P!).

The donut club is dead. Here's the "news flash" that was sent to us all:

"NEWS FLASH
Coffee club to offer coffee and tea, but no sweet rolls on Tuesdays!
Dues reduced to $3.00/month!! After decades of enjoying sweet rolls every Tuesday, a large majority of coffee club members have decided that they don’t need the weekly extra calories and if they require the occasional treat, there is fortuitously now a café in the building. The extra steps to obtain said treat are an added health bonus! Dues are adjusted to reflect this change."

Freaky donut club people.

Time to get back to discarding the mildewed cucumbers in my fridge. Nothing like a good ol’ moldy cucumber to start your day.

Zufullige Gedanken und Fragen

2006-09-19T22:11:00.000-05:00

Is it inappropriate to say that you “cream in your pants” for a certain senator whose name sounds like “rock and lama?”
Do you think moon boots are cool again (were they cool to being with?)?
Do you remember the “Just Pants” store from the 1970s?
Do you wish your first name started with the letters “schm” ?
Do you think pipefitters tell a lot of bad sex jokes?
Do you think gauchos (or culottes) are out?
Is it inappropriate to stick a letter opener down someone’s exposed butt crack in the reference room of a library?
Do you think veggie wraps are super duper boring unless they have cream cheese in them?
Which is stranger: owning a Cabbage Patch doll or a Vanilla Ice doll?
Is it a bad idea to drink a bunch of red wine and then a bunch of Baileys on the rocks?
Do you think most Greek waiters at Greek restaurants are pretty cute?
Do you think a super slick platform burgundy pump works with texturized black tights and a short skirt?
If you were in an elevator with Isabella Rosellini would you say anything to her?
Would you eat cheese that was the flavor of chicken soup?
Would you ever mix French burnt peanuts with gummi worms, sour cherries and nerds in one bulk candy bag?

Shotgun Semester

2006-09-12T21:14:00.000-05:00

This semester is more like a shotgun semester. There was no easing back into things, it was just like shit bang! I’m already tired, and it’s only the start of week two. Maybe I’m just funktafied. I thought for sure funktafied would be listed in urbandictionary.com, but no. So, this is my chance to come up with a definition for the kids. I’ll have to cogitate on that for awhile. There is, however, a new definition for Pluto (RIP):

“To pluto someone or something is to downgrade, demote or remove altogether from a prestigious group or list, like what was done to the planet of the same name.”

“He was plutoed like an old pair of shoes!”
Source: urbandictionary.com

Maybe corporations can implement this buzz word into their rhetoric and get rid of terminology like “reorganization, “downsizing,” or the latest stupid one “rightsizing” (or the ghetto version “kissmycrackassmothafuckaisizing”). Now it can be, “…due to recent market forces, special items, and looking into the future, plutoization is really the only remedy to reinvent ourselves and regain a position in the market once again.”

Speaking of downsizing, it looks like the donut nazis are considering eliminating the donut/roll Tuesday purchases. It's complete anarchy! I guess the new library cafe now offers long johns, jumbo cinnamon rolls, big muffins, giant turd like brownies decorated with M&Ms, and more, so there is controversy whether to continue the purchasing of said donut/rolls with the plethora of dough goop now available in the cafe. So far, the votes are:

1-yes (continue to get rolls on Tuesdays as a group)
3-no (don’t get rolls)
2-abstain [neither eat rolls]
1-no preference

but there are five people yet to have cast their vote. So, we wait in agony at the fate of the donut club.

I had my writing group yesterday and it was super good. I gained great insight after I brought an edited version of “The Gimpy Bunny” story and was told that there is no “me” in my stories. I guess my writing is more “reporter” style and lacks the inner dialog or self reflection. This is good to know, but I don’t know how to find the “inner writing me.” Any suggestions? More drinking? Sue "J-school" for stealing my soul with its over-emphasis on “objective” reporting and WWWWW?

Where's Jimmy Hoffa?

2006-09-07T21:42:00.000-05:00

My uncle is having a retirement party next week and there will be 650 people in attendance. I’m not a fan of weddings (actually I find them dreadful with the exception of two out of about 15 I’ve been in or was a guest), but this fiasco seems a thousand times worse than a wedding - if that’s even possible. He’s some big union president – pipefitters, sprinklerfitters, and whatever else needs fitting, so it’ll mostly be union people – possibly Jimmy Hoffa, too. I’m not quite sure where to start with what I find the strangest about this party, but here’s a short list:

- $75 per person for dinner (or $1,000 for a table)
- You can place an “ad” for some program the “retirement committee” is putting together for $750 per page as a memento for my uncle to take home and stick in a drawer.
- The bio that he wrote, which he asked my dad to edit, which took my dad 7 hours to do with two alternate versions and the corrected version of the really bad version, was uber bad.
- The bad version of the bio includes the following sentence: “The neighborhood [where he grew up] was an ethnic melting pot. All nationalities were accounted for there, hence, he [my uncle] learned the skill of getting along with people of every ethnicity.” I won’t even get started on the term ethnicity, or the fact that my uncle is racist, but I’m perplexed that there is a “skill” required to get along with people of “every ethnicity.” What the crap is that? Holy cow!

I’m sure there will be more to report next week.

School started this week and I already have a migraine. Is this possible so soon in the semester? Once again, I had a freakishly garish outfit on this morning as I dashed out the door for an 8:30 meeting. I think the original concept I had in my mind may have been okay, but the execution completely fell apart in some type of overly draped cape, palazzo pants, scarves (yes, plural) and wedge ankle boots. I looked like some fat gypsy transient whore. It scared me (and I’m sure it scared people in the meeting). As a matter of fact, I was so uncomfortable and frightened in this ensemble (I won’t even discuss the bad hair and accessories), that I ran home after the meeting to change and ran back to work. That’s a sick mind.

D noticed the other day that ass-crack, something that was rampant and disruptive in the library’s reference area the last few years, is strangely absent this year. I don’t know what to make of this. I must have missed some sudden trend. I wonder what took its place? I notice less skin showing, so there must be something, but what could it be? I wonder if trends are now focusing more on iPods, cell phones, etc., and not clothing, body odor, cleavage, dreads, piercing, or ass crack. I’m going to have to investigate. I’ll make this one of my goals for 2006.

Pas de Boob

2006-08-29T21:10:00.000-05:00

Fred (of Fred and Ginger) came to visit me today in my librarian-like office. That was a nice surprise! What was even more surprising is that we managed to solve some of the university, and the worlds, problems in less than an hour. Pretty impressive. That lettuce kid dropped by, too. Good times.

We (the Gang of Three) also discussed the possibility of starting a log of M’s changes in appearance since he’s moved up in the “ivory tower” (I don’t know that a third tier state institution can be considered ivory). This includes facial hair changes, outfits, shoes, and accessories such as wallets. Some are worried that these changes will make him loose his “crazy cool” status. We’ll keep everyone posted on the log implementation.

L-bean was in the midst of a gay-man-lovers-distant-relationship imbroglio over the weekend. What a frickin’ mess those gay quarrels can be. Watch out is all I can say. The visiting lover was depleting the food chain at L-bean and gay-man-roommate-M’s fabulous apartment/condo near the lake like there was no tomorrow. Never bothered to buy any groceries, replenish supply, or treat them to dinner?!?!? Hello? Plus, why would you stoop so low as to drink soy creamer for liquid nourishment after depleting the food/liquid supply of the household? That’s desperation.

My those Utah polygamist wives of Warren Steed - whatever his weirdy ass name is - are a bunch of angry nutcases. They were screaming with rage at the reporters on ABC news tonight, and it scared the shit out of me – AND THEY WERE WEARING HOLLY HOBBY DRESSES!!!!!!!! Yikes. Cootieville to the max.

Well, I’ll bore you all with another letter from the past. This is more ballet oriented and was written to me by my friend M in 1982 (I was in Boston). This is just a segment of the letter. And you all thought ballet was romantic. Ha! (I’m keeping anonymity here because on rare occasions I hear from someone from my ballet past).

“…A tried to kiss me. GRODY! BARF OUT! H got her period in Chicago before we left for Newport and couldn’t get the tampon all the way in, so she wore it half way out all the way there! Blood seeping all over her clothes. Gross! She also gained weight because of her period and being around MT and G – the human vacuum cleaners. Her butt and her thighs got bigger, as well as the rest of her. She even got boobies! When she got home she called P to see if she could go to the island to rehearse and he told her she could if she got thin because she was plump in Newport!! Ha ha! I almost died. Tell your mom. Incidentally, MT is a little chubette, too. Sounds like you’re having a great time. Wish I was there! I’m crossing my fingers you get in the Four T’s performance. Oh yeah, thought you’d like to know what we performed. “Serenade” (where J fell and slipped because the stage is super slippery); “Jeux” (that was a joke! I’ll tell you more later); “Who Cares” (no one cared, that’s who. We were tired. I slipped during the second segment); “Invitation to the Dance” (I do my “famous” 16 fouettes and almost fall into the ocean. What a joke!); “Pas de dix” (or pas de boob. L’s boob came all the way out of her costume! That was funny as hell). Consider yourself lucky you got a letter from me!!

Talk to you soon,

Love M “

Has Ziggy's popularity faded? Apparently not!

2006-08-27T22:34:00.000-05:00

As I've been cleaning and "redoing" my home office/crap store, I found several shoe boxes of cards and letters from years past. It was fun to re-read some of them, but I was becoming alarmed at the number of Ziggy cards that were sent to me. I don't remember ever mentioning that I had a fondness for Ziggy when I was a kid. I counted 48 Ziggy cards that were sent to me over a 7 year time span. Frankly, that's disturbing. I thought Ziggy was dead, but a quick Google search retrieved 489,000 hits, including a site called "All Things Ziggy." Yikes.

Anyway, here's a little snippet of a card that was sent to me from my childhood friend, Krissy. It was written in 1978:

"How are you? I'm fine. A couple of days ago your folks came over for dinner. How's ballet? I HATE LIZ!!! YUCH!! What is Ashley's last name? I'm going to tell you something that you've got to promise not to tell Kim (please!). Kim gets so moody it's pitiful. Kim is crazy over John Travolta so naturally Liz is too! I put up a few posters buts thats all. Kim is in love with him! By the way here are some of the things that are in style around here. You might want to get some before you come home.

1) Loves Baby Soft Body Mist
2) A poster of Grease or Saturday Night Fever

Speaking of SNF have you seen it yet? Oh, you might want to get the Grease album too. Martha is in California using...Jenny is visting her father. Emily is back from 3 lakes camps. My hand is killing me from writing. Well I've go to go now.

Love,
Krissy

p.s. I miss you
p.s.s. I can't wait till Fri
p.s.s.s. Don't let anyone read this!
p.s.s.s.s. write back!"

Gunk holing bros before hoes

2006-08-15T19:24:00.000-05:00

My writing slump is in the most slumpiest state ever. There’s nadda thing happening upstairs – zip on the wit. Plus, I have my period and no marshmallows – damn it! I thought I had breast cancer, but it turns out I don’t. We had a bad storm during our sailing trip and I thought we were going to die, but it turns out we didn’t. So, I guess those are good things to write about, but I don’t really feel like writing about them. Too boring. Maybe I have ennui-o-phobia. I do think my recent marathon of reading good books, coupled with watching and listening to too much news and murder shows like “America’s Most Wanted,” have impacted my slump factor. I wonder what the cure for slump factor is? Maybe that would be a good reality show - Slump Factor. It would be a bunch of yahoos (or celebrities if it was “celebrity slump factor”) sitting around just saying “whatever,” “what’s the point” or “fuckin’ a.” Even the title of this blog entry doesn’t make sense, but it sounds good. Maybe I should just start writing what sounds good even if it’s made up bull cocky.

My super smart (almost scary smart) friend, Y, also a librarian, sent me the newest subject headings just released by the Library of Congress. The world of cataloging is an underground wacky group that even I – a member of the library profession for 13 years – don’t understand. But it is, nonetheless, tres intriguing and I’m fascinated by it all. Damn, I wish I had taken cataloging when I was in grad school. Frickin’ library school curriculum changes! I'll let you make your own comments. Anyway, here they are:

- Civil commitment of sex offenders
- Condom use
- Creative destruction
- Cross-border shopping
- Domestic terrorism
- Family secrets
- RSS feeds
- Surprise birthday parties
- Ex-gay movement
- Monogamous relationships

Gone Fishing

2006-07-06T23:16:00.000-05:00

I’m getting ready to hit the water soon for the annual sailing venture in the North Channel. This will be my 10th year (yikes!). The German is already there getting the boat ready for my arrival (because I’m so spoiled). I’m more than ready for a break, and this is truly a break. No phones, no TV, no computers. It’s all low tech. Sailing, kayaking, reading, playing Scrabble, drinking Guinness, enjoying nature, and hanging out with the German and the familiar faces we've met over the years.

I'll be blogging again sometime in mid-August.

Ahoy, mates!

Bad Additions

2006-07-02T21:29:00.000-05:00

Well, here it is. The third installment of the lists – Bad Additions. A big shout out to JD, Fred & Ginger, and M for helping me.

- Affirmative action policy to the KKK organizational handbook
- A new character that is a cute child to a sitcom that's been on a few years
- Curry flavoring to condoms
- A mariachi band to a wake or funeral
- A toupee is always a bad addition
- Daisy dukes to any fat woman's or man’s wardrobe
- Perverted sugar plum dance music to an evening of church bells
- Pepto Bismal to Chili
- Wine to Jell-O Shots
- Wheel spinners to a Pinto
- OJ to MGD (no, not the Ford Explorer OJ)
- Tarragon or Fennel to hamburger patties
- Peach Schnapps to Pink Lemonade
- Co2 tank for a keg attached to a car
- Jalapeños to Astro Glide
- Golden Retriever to Golden Showers
- Gefalte fish to anything
- Camouflage baseball cap to ballroom dance lessons
- Abstinence to sex ed classes
- Huey Lewis to the new superband “Supernova”

Just a year ago...

2006-06-25T23:25:00.000-05:00

I started this thang called Biblio Fashionista as part of a "free writing" exercise for my creative writing group. I'm still going at it and it has helped me knock out ideas (mostly whimsical silliness of my everyday life) quickly without deliberating over a frickin’ sentence for ten hours, and it has occasionally alleviated writers block with my more "serious" creative writing endeavors.

According to tradition (I try to stay away from tradition as much as I can), paper gifts are the traditional gift for a one year anniversary. So, for those of you dedicated blog readers that are just dying to get me a blog anniversary gift, here are some tips to keep in mind when shopping for that “special” gift according to Ms. Manners:

- Think creatively, not literally.
- Think about the person’s taste and style.
- Consider the following paper gifts: engraved stationery, a book, or a scrapbook. Clocks make a nice alternative gift to paper.
- Ms. Manners is a frickin’ nutball!!!!!!!!!!

In the meantime, I will enlighten you with headlines from this past year’s entries (in reverse chronological order). Interestingly, I still get tired from Chinese food, I’m still tortured by the Drooler, I’ve made Hummus (again) for about 40 people, and I still think eating marshmallows will somehow cure my cramps. I guess some things never change.

1. Tired from Chinese food
2. The Drooler
3. Hummus for 80
4. Marshmallows Cures Cramps
5. Toronzo, Chico, Velveeta, Grady and Hoochie Man
6. Dispatches and Dish
7. The Rodent Factor
8. "1983 Key: Evanston Township High School" Vol. XXXIII
9. Glass animals, matches and eating
10. My Bootyless World
11. It's up to the Skipper
12. Uncooked rice grown outside the U.S. is restricted
13. Mohawks and Butt Cracks
14. M is for Milkshake
15. Everything sold in hardware stores
16. Come walk with me pretty unicorn
17. Vegetables are people too
18. Comedy porn
19. I’m a Google Stalker
20. I’ll have a Cambodian non-fat macchiato
21. Mochtest etwas Wagner mit deinem kaffee?
22. Munchkins and Timbits
23. Boiling scum off okra
24. Christmas in Central Wisconsin
25. The New Year in Chicago
26. Davusten Burraris Syndrome
27. Sleazy Motels
28. Fashionable Frostbite
29. Sending a "shout out" to my blog posse
30. Public Appearances
31. Ask Dr. Bibfash
32. Daddy Long Legs
33. Deep Linking
34. To Do
35. Heisse Möse
36. These boots weren’t made for walking
37. 13 Strike Rolls
38. Ken loved buttocks
39. Neurotica
40. Porqué?
41. Conference Survival Guide
42. Getting to the bottom of things
43. The Gimpy Bunny
44. Casting Couch
45. Meerrettich and Deportation
46. Bitchin' Lemons
47. Bad Substitutions
48. Funeral Home Interlude
49. Good Substitutions
50. Who’s your smoke daddy?
51. The Bitter Bean Debate
52. Madonna – The “Vegas Years” Tour

Madonna - The "Vegas Years" Tour

2006-06-20T10:13:00.001-05:00

I just got back from a whirlwind trip to Chicago/Stoughton/Madison. The book signing went quite well, and there were about 60 people in attendance. I must say it is really weird to walk into a Barnes and Noble and see a life-size cardboard cutout of your friend. That tripped me out for a good two minutes. It was also fun (and bizarre) to see the cast of characters – J, R, C, T, V, M, K, H, N, other J – from the past. I hadn’t seen some of these people in ten years. We all went out afterward and got rather shitfaced and reminisced about Nazi ballet days, Pinocchio performances, dressing up in bear suits in NYC, and bad relationships. Crazy shit. Of course, A’s apartment was like a fucking cyclone hit it - moldy water glasses filled with cigarette butts, spilled coffee and OJ everywhere, clothes strewn all over, etc. Some things never change. I had to get out of there. And speaking of never changing – V, who has not worked in about 14 years, said that “he’s still looking” for a job after I asked if he was working. I couldn’t help myself. But he’s still living with his 65-year-old high school English teacher that he was banging back in the day. Good grief. How the hell do I meet these people?

Thank god L let me stay at her place, which is spotless and most awesomely decorated. We hung out, pigged out at Tiffin, picked up my beautiful antique Chinese red cabinet and laughed a lot. Her roommate M told us about the Madonna concert he attended, which he referred to as her “Vegas Years” tour. Lots of horse-type disco dancing and flashing men’s torsos. Interesting. Never was a fan of hers.

The Christening was good. Lots to do – shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, picking up cakes, dipping child in water, etc. Aside from seeing M, A, J and the kiddies (aka my “godchildren” or grandchildren as I mistakenly referred to them a few times), I got to see C and other C, so that was fun. We’re all originally from Chicago, so we reminisced about Café Espial, Cocktail and the Man Hole. Good times. I even gave the little one her first sip of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Now how cool of a godmother am I?

I saw JD in Madison. He was looking pretty buff and a bit on the scruffy side. He told me that his girlfriend (who is in jail) has a better life than he does at the moment – she’s working at an organic farm, has three meals a day, and a workout room and library access. He’s still looking for a job (seems to be a lot of that going on lately), but he’s gotten some work on the live web cam circuit. Well, if you can make money by wanking your cock for foreigners on the web then I say go for it! The nice thing about web cam work is that you really don’t have to leave your apartment or get dressed for that matter. JD said he even manages to multi-task while doing this – checking email, cleaning, etc. Now that’s talent.

I’m still looking for bad additions. I’ve received close to nothing from anyone except JD. I know a fair number of witty and clever people, so I think you can come up with something. Please?

Thanks for the 6 comment marker on my Bitter Bean Debate entry. That topped the list for the most comments I’ve ever received! Rock on blog posse!!

The Bitter Bean Debate

2006-06-06T16:38:00.000-05:00

Many of my friends are lamenting the fact that Starbucks has parked itself in our small town. The location happens to be right down the street from a local drive through coffee house that we all patronize. While some of my friends have even talked about protesting the opening of Starbucks, I’m going to present (somewhat reluctantly) another side of the story.

I used to work at Starbucks in the early 1990s in Oak Park, IL. I got paid $8.00 an hour plus we shared a pool of tips that equaled about $25 a week for my portion. Starbucks provided full health care and dental coverage for part time work (20 hours a week). I was always given a flexible schedule to accommodate school, and all the employees got to take home a pound of coffee a week as part of our compensation. The company also matched employee contributions to local charities (although this has been in the news lately, some organizations have been on the right, but this is the employee’s choice, not Starbucks doing). I also met some incredible people while I worked at Starbucks – several of which I’m still in touch with. This has nothing to do with Starbucks’ business practices, but I have fond memories of some of the fun times we had at the store.

I am not pro nor anti Starbucks (at least as of this writing). Any corporation that takes advantage of or oppresses its workers should be called to the table. Wal-Mart, for example, does not provide benefits for most of its employees. The ripple effect of this gets dumped on individual states (taxpayers) that end up picking up the tab. Wal-Mart also has the volume to offer products at extremely low prices, running the local ma and pa stores out of business; Starbucks products, in contrast, are not as cheap. But this is not a new argument (there are no new arguments in this debate).

There are certainly other issues in the Starbucks debate that should be considered, such as where is the coffee coming from? What about the growers? Is it fair trade? Is Starbucks purposely pinpointing certain demographic/geographic locations for opening stores just to run existing local (or non local) coffee places out of business? Those are legitimate concerns. If Starbucks prices were really low, and endangered running local businesses out of business, then I would certainly think differently about buying my coffee there. I used to tell people that Starbucks paid me well and provided me with insurance, which allowed me to spend my money at the independent coffee shops (and I did). If most people I knew never shopped at any chain or corporate company – like not going to chain grocery stores and only buying from local cooperatives or farmers – then I would think differently. But where does the argument stop? What grocery stores do people go to? What clothing stores? Electronics? Video rental? Book stores? I really only know of 2 or 3 people that truly buy only from independent businesses. Most people are hypocrites in this regard – including me. I hate to admit it, but I’m a well-meshed cog in capital consumerism. I do, however, refuse to buy at certain chains, such as Wal-Mart, because of the way they treat employees and the low-cost products they offer making it impossible for local businesses to compete (the low-paid factory workers from other countries that make the products is a whole other part of this pie). I also refuse to eat at the Cracker Barrel restaurants because of the company’s ill treatment towards gays and lesbians.

So, am I happy about Starbucks being here? I don’t really care. If I was faced with having to make a choice between gas station coffee and Starbucks – I would go to Starbucks. I hate the McDonaldization of America just as much as anyone else, but I don’t see a stop to it in the near future. The U.S. is strip mall city – and it’s not just America anymore. How do we make a change? A non-violent revolution would be a good start, I just don't think I have the energy for it. Personally, I buy Starbucks coffee for home use because I do like the coffee and I don’t like the crappy grinders the local coffee places have and I don’t like grinding my own coffee. I go to our local drive through coffee place for the times I’m on the run, and I go to our other local sit-down coffee places when I’m in the mood for just hanging out, listening to some music or working. So, I guess I support all the coffee places in town. Fickle? I suppose I am. We all pick and choose our battles, and protesting Starbucks is not a battle I’m willing to take on unless they start venturing into practices I think are blatantly wrong.

Comments are welcome.

Who’s your smoke daddy?

2006-05-30T22:51:00.000-05:00

L and I just got back from our geriatric/Jadakiss sunny Florida vacation. As always, we had a good time – hanging out, laughing, drinking, laughing, drinking, reading, pool time, laughing, South Beach, Jadakiss, Rapper overload, spillin’ out butt crack sisters in string bikinis, laughing, ocean time, shelling, drinking, witnessing a real-life run away bride at the beach incident, laughing, reading, eating, listening to local Largos belt it out on the karaoke machine at the barbecue joint, drinking, catching up on movies, laughing, and watching “pimp my ride” (which now has me jonesing for outfitting my car with some spinners and Diamond-Nutz – fucking freaky cool!). I think if I pimp out my car, I most certainly will have to come up with a ghettofab sounding name. Hmm.

I hung out in Chi town for a couple of days – hitting a couple of clubs and caught up with L’s friend M. Too bad we missed T performing at Blues – maybe next time. My timing for a visit was perfect because it was the annual IML (International Mister Leather) conference. Lots of chaps and queens everywhere. Hilarious. I also bought a new CD by Van Hunt - hot! I love it.

I’m sending a big shout out to my ever-growing blog posse for hitting the 6 comments marker for the “Good Substitutions” posting (I should go away more often). So, major thanks to Pure Sugar Magic, Plum, Master B, Shatshat, Opie, and Bud Cort. You all totally rock!!! Speaking of rock, Joan Jett is coming to town on the 10th. That should be fun. You may want to pick up a WWJJD t-shirt before you go.

Other local news:

- My parents went to the local grocery store and stopped at the deli to ask if they had lox. The deli counter person said they only have one brand of small key locks but not combination type locks. Welcome to Central Wisconsin mom and dad!

- I’m living in “dance recital hell” for the next several days and I’m suffering from serious choreographers block. It sucks. My older kid piece is super sucky. I wish they had put “anonymous” under choreographer.

Next installation for the blog is "Bad Additions." So, put your thinking caps on for the next collaborative kick-ass list and send them to me.

Good Substitutions

2006-05-17T22:03:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone who contributed to Part II of my Substitution/Addition series. A very special thanks to JD who contributed most of the good sauce in this list. You may be broke, jobless and your girlfriend’s in jail, but you know I’ll always love ya!

- New clothes for self-esteem
- Free drinks for poor service
- Jim Beam for Knob Creek
- Higher grades for thoughtful/detailed comments
- Crushing student loan debt for years of carefree abandon
- Daydreaming for work
- Joan Jett for Heart
- David Lee Roth for Sammy Hagar
- Methadone for heroin
- VX Fox station wagon for a pair of boots
- Adopting a 17 year old girl for a short term relationship with a younger woman.
- Two pieces of liver and a cardboard milk carton for pussy.
- Cocaine for sleep.
- One year of real life experience for seven years of "higher education."
- An e-card for a phone call to your mother on mother's day (Even if she doesn't have an e- mail address. That's not my fault. I thought it was the thought that counts anyway. Live in the now, Mom!)
- A magic 8 ball for religion.
- Stabbing your own eyes out for watching reality TV.
- Dreaming you live in a magical land filled with a field of clouds while galloping on a unicorn for watching Fox news.

Funeral Home Interlude

2006-05-16T22:31:00.000-05:00

Our neighbor died last week. She was 99. The German and I met her a few times when we moved into our new house. She was not doing so well back then and moved to a nursing home soon after we moved into our house. Now, I have a death etiquette question for my readers. We want to buy her house because it not only has a garage, but a SECOND gigantic garage for all the German’s unusable cars, centrifuges, spectrometers and other mad scientist paraphernalia, which would allow me to park my car in our garage – something I’ve been dreaming about for 8 long years. Our neighbor's funeral was just this past Saturday, and we were going to call the nephew tonight, but it got too late, so we may try again tomorrow. Does anyone know a tactful way of expressing interest in the house and remorse at the same time? See, if we were in NYC, this place would already be gone, so I don’t feel too guilty about wanting to call. Plus, we want to control our little corner of the north side and create a compound – sort of like the Michigan Militia without guns. The funeral home does have a page on its site where you can send an online condolence - and you can even include clipart pictures of Jesus, angels, the Om, Star of David, the peace sign or the American flag. Maybe I should just send one of those with an asking price for the house? Hmm.

Now, if we buy the neighbor house then we will be vast landowners and can conceivably take over the neighborhood. And if M gets that job, then maybe Pilates Gate woman will move away, then N can take a day care break, and then I can take Pilates again and feel good about myself. See? It may all work out in the end to my advantage – because it’s all about me.

I am the worst choreographer known to mankind. I had a disastrous class this evening trying to furiously finish this piece – and guess what? You can’t choreograph in 10 minutes or less!! It may work for learning Chinese, but not for dance. I’ve actually been working on this piece for some time, but it just sucks. Maybe I’ll get the German to do some spontaneous science experiment on stage to distract from the wretched choreography. At least it’s not CATS. That would certainly be worse.

Fred and Ginger are having an “end of the year” party this week and I’m super excited because it will be a nice introduction to my week in Key Largo. I’m already in vacation mode mentally. I’m dreaming about really good fish tacos, some Cuban fare, sun, margaritas, bars on the beach, trashy reading, more margaritas, cabana boy staring and Shell World – the largest tackiest shell store in the United States!!!!! Does that kick ass or what? I just hope I don’t get eaten by any alligators. Seems to be an epidemic there right now.

Well, I’m still looking for material for my “Good Substitutions” list. If you have any that you’d like to provide, just leave them in the comments section and I’ll include them in the next installation.

BTW, will “J” ever fess up? I still don’t know who this mysterious person is that commented on my boots from ArtsBash and wanting me to wear an EMT outfit next year. Hmm?

Bad Substitutions

2006-05-06T22:24:00.000-05:00

Thanks to M for the great suggestion of the “Bad Substitution” list. After a few beers, it turned into a four part series. This is a collaborative effort, so I'm sending a shout out to M, D, Other N, N, JD, A, and "Fashionable Librarian" M.

The following is Part I of the series (stay tuned for Part II – “Good Substitutions”):

Toilet paper for coffee filters
Q-tips for toilet paper
Black pepper for cocaine
Ground glass for cocaine
Bagels for cat food
Money for love
Jerking off for a real woman
Loveless but sexual relationship for soul crushing loneliness
Margarine for butter
Pepsi for Coke
Eckrich for Oscar Meyer
Tanqueray for Bombay Saphire
Aunt Jemima for Mrs. Butterworth
Lite beer for regular beer
George Bush for a monkey.
IcyHot for lube.
IcyHot for toothpaste.
IcyHot for hemorrhoid cream.
IcyHot should really only be used for sore joints.
The Bible for the Constitution.
Rock salt for deodorant.
Sandpaper for toilet paper.
Helen Keller for a tour guide.
Ted Kennedy for an AA sponsor.
Carrot Top for a comedian.
Yogurt for cream in coffee
Tampon paper for rolling papers
Dirt clods for rocks
Saran wrap for condoms
Masturbation for sex
Sex for masturbation

Bitchin' Lemons

2006-05-01T22:58:00.000-05:00

My friend, D (aka JD), just moved to Madison from Chicago to sort of “be there” for his friend who’s in jail (long story). Anyway, when he first arrived, he thought Madison had a lot of crime and gang activity. He kept seeing people running down the street and just generally running around town. Then his friend told him that these people actually do it on purpose. He couldn’t believe no one was chasing them and that they choose to run on their own. I told him it’s called exercise. He thought it was super bizarre. It’s gonna take him awhile to get used to small towns. I had a similar experience when I moved to Madison and saw everyone walking in the same direction during the Farmer’s Market. That was really weird. Then I went up to Paul Soglin, who happened to be at the Farmer’s Market one Saturday, and he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt just saying hi to people. I was with my friend, P, and I shook his hand and said, “Aren’t you that weather guy on Channel 7?” He laughed and told me he was the mayor. I sort of looked around and asked him where his mayor “posse/security” dudes were, and he said he didn’t have any. That was the craziest thing I ever heard – a mayor with no security?? Dick Daley would never go for that. Crazy town.

Once again I had too much to drink Saturday night. I’m blaming it on N’s lethal margaritas. I’ve got to stop hanging out with these people who insist on getting me drunk every time I see them, and then all the librarian potty mouth shit just starts pouring out of me like a frickin’ fountain! Nuts.

Okay, I submitted my story, “Granny has curls,” so we’ll see if it gets accepted. It’s my first creative piece of writing – very conversationally-essay-type thing. What really pissed me off is that the very same day I submitted my story, my Vogue subscription arrived in the mail and what did I find in there? A story called “Granny takes a trip.” Okay, not really the same content, but close! Frickin’ Vogue posse bastards taking my story idea. Crazy fashionistas.

Only three more weeks before I’m basking in the sun in Key Largo at the posh resort (thanks to mom’s rich friends) with L. Can’t wait. I’m gonna collect shells and make a seashell frame and give it to the German for Christmas. He’ll like that. Especially if I can find a radioactive shell that he can explore with his Geiger counter (he has three by the way).

I totally dig that Google translator. It’s a riot. Here’s the translated text for an Italian lemon torte recipe:

“To spread the paste of one thickness of 1/2 centimeter and to foderare one stamp having cure to hold the high edges in a blink - to pour the cream to you to the lemon - to guarnire with the striscioline of paste - put into an oven all in the furnace preriscaldato to 180° for 45/50° in snow pasted to men.”

Good times.

Meerrettich and Deportation

2006-04-24T20:49:00.000-05:00

The German arrived last week. It was good to see him again after a 5-week trip - despite the fact that he came back with a wretched cold and strained throat. At least his nuts were intact so to speak. Today, he dug up a shit load of horseradish and the two of us spent about three hours making batches and batches of this stuff outside in our driveway. We were pretty high for a good portion of the time. I like that quick and wickedly intense brain sensation, and then it just sort of dissipates - kind of like wasabi or poppers.

My folks were here with their friend L for the weekend. We had a good short visit. We were poking fun at mom last night over dinner because, technically speaking, she still to this day does not know if she’s a U.S. citizen. We came up with the usual scenarios about her being deported back to Poland (she was born in Poland, but the city she was born in is now part of Russia, although she is Russian – all very confusing). I told her to think of it as an adventure tour and how fun it would be for us to travel to Poland to try to find her – sort of like a DP camp version of Where’s Waldo.

Boy, Dr. Bibfash got hit with some tough questions for the advice column this week, but I asked for them, so here goes:

Question: Other N writes that she’s concerned about surviving her in-laws moving to town and what the expectation is for her to eat with them, run errands, visit them at their house, and handling unannounced drop-ins.

Dr. BF Responds: Personally, I don’t like unannounced drop-ins. Occasionally it’s okay to do this, especially in the summer, but it is unacceptable on a frequent basis. You could simply tell them that you have nude church services in your house on an irregular basis, so that may keep them at bay or at least caution them about dropping in unexpectedly. I say at the beginning of their move here you’ll want to eat with them more frequently until they “get into their groove” and meet some people, then you can wean off a bit. Running errands and visiting at their house you have more control over. If the errand would include something that they would also be buying for you – then I say go with it. Just remember – it’s always about you.

Question: Sad Plum is having a hard time with the smoke factor at the local Thursday hangout and she doesn’t know what to do. She would like to convince people to have these events in someone’s backyard, but how can she get people to agree to this?

Dr. BF Responds: This is tough. First, this whole Thursday night get together is technically the History Club get together, which has been recently co-opted by these nutty English people and a few other un-nutty people. The other problem is that you never know who will and who will not show up making the purchasing of beer at a private residence very difficult. Plus some people like to eat dinner, while others pass (like Other N), but that’s hard to predict, too. Then it becomes more of a house party, which as you know requires quite a bit of preparation, and then there is the food problem. In this sense, it’s easier to just go to the bar. Also, backyard parties would only work in the summer unless you’re so drunk (like I was two Saturdays ago) that you wouldn’t even notice if it was 80 below zero – even if your nipples were ready to pop off. I’m not up on the latest smoking ban and that may have a near future impact on the smoke quotient. Also, I do believe this bar opens up the front big windows in the summer, so that may help. The only other short-term alternative I can think of is this: Bring a portable fan with you to blow smoke away and occasionally orchestrate the backyard barbecue in the summer months only, or just go up to every person smoking and drop the little bastard in his or her beer. That should work.

Fun word of the day (brought to you by Urban Dictionary):

Dandruff
One who always ditches, or "flakes," hence the name dandruff; usually for an insufficient reason, getting the hopes up of friends and family and ditching them for materialistic sluts.

"I think Tyler needs to get a bottle of head 'n' shoulders cause he's been pullin some dandruff moves lately."

Casting Couch

2006-04-19T22:10:00.000-05:00

God, I love Vanity Fair! It’s like the police blotter and gossip rag of the rich and famous. Here’s a snippet interview from one of my favorites, Sue Mengers – Casting Agent (VF, June 2005):

Which living person do you most admire?
My plumber
What is your greatest extravagance?
Grass
What is your favorite journey?
From the living room to the bedroom
Which talent would you most like to have?
I'd take any one
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
That I don't have any
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Not having children
What is your favorite occupation?
Sleeping
What is the quality you most like in a man?
That he breathes
How would you like to die?
I think I already have
What is your motto?
"Tomorrow may not be another day."

I was trying to think of other jobs I'd like to have aside from the exciting world of librarianship (cough cough). Here are a few:

- Art Theft Investigator - FBI
- Mimicker
- "Smack my ass" aerobics instructor
- Bunny & squirrel rehabilitation expert
- Male brothel entrepreneur (N and I are already investigating this)
- International party girl
- “Words to avoid in public” consultant – e.g., come, probe, titillating (you get the idea…)
- Underwear tailor for Lenny Kravitz or that “bad” doctor on Grey’s Anatomy.
- Penis scarf maker

The Dr. Bibfash Advice Column has been pretty paltry lately. Come on, people. I know your lives can't be that perfect! Remember, I’m still trying to “get noticed” by an agent that has some minion surfing for blogs with lots of comments. It’s all about numbers not substance.

The Gimpy Bunny

2006-04-12T21:22:00.000-05:00

I discovered a gimpy bunny by the curb today while walking my dog. I walked over to it and realized its leg was hurt and it couldn’t really move. The neighbor lady came out and said she saw five male rabbits chasing this rabbit earlier in the day (yes, I was wondering how the neighbor lady knew there were five supposed male rabbits chasing a supposed female rabbit?? No makey sensey as "Other N" would say). Anyway, when I got back to the house, I decided to call the Humane Society. The conversation went a little something like this:

Me: “I’m calling about a gimping bunny that’s near the curb on Third Avenue. Can you take care of this or shall I call someone else?”

Humane Society volunteer worker: “Is it wild?”

Me: “yes”

Humane Society volunteer worker: “You need to call Aaron. He takes care of wildlife in the area. Here’s his number…”

I call Aaron.

Aaron: “Good afternoon, Aaron’s Wildlife Control”

Me: “Hi, I was just referred to you by the Humane Society. There is a gimping bunny that’s near the curb on Third Avenue and I was hoping someone could help it.”

Aaron: “Oh, you need to call Charlotte. She does bunnies and raccoons in the area. I don’t have her number handy, but you may want to call the Humane Society again and see if they have it.”

Me: “Okay, thanks.”

I call the Humane Society

Humane Society volunteer worker: “Humane Society, how may I help you?”

Me: “Hi, I just talked to you a minute ago. You told me to call Aaron about the gimping bunny, but he said I have to call Charlotte and he doesn’t have her number, but said you have it.”

Humane Society volunteer worker: “Hmm. Let me check”

Pause (or paws – ha!)

Humane Society volunteer worker: “I’m looking at the book, but I can’t find a Charlotte. You could call Ray, but he only deals with squirrels. There’s Dan, but he does opossums and feral cats. Jean only does squirrels and bats. There is a woman in Green Bay I found that does rabbits. Would you like her number?”

Me: “Green Bay seems like quite a distance. I would think the bunny would be dead by then. What if I call the police – do they have like an animal control unit or something?”

Humane Society volunteer worker: “No, they don’t. Looks like Green Bay is the closest. Maybe you can try calling Aaron back to see if he can dig around for her number.”

Me: “Good idea. Thanks.”

I call Aaron back.

Aaron: “Good afternoon, Aaron’s Wildlife Control”

Me: “Hi Aaron, I just called you a few minutes ago about the gimpy bunny. The Humane Society doesn’t have Charlotte’s number. Is there any possibility you have it around somewhere or know the last name so I can look in the phone book?”

Aaron: “Hmm. Let me think. Oh yeah, the last name is Henner. Yeah, that’s it – Henner. She lives out in Amherst or near there.”

Me: “Is it ludicrous for me to think that someone from Amherst is going to come all the way here to help this wild gimpy bunny?”

Aaron: “Nah, Charlotte rehabilitates bunnies. That’s her expertise, so just give her a call.”

Me: “Ok. Thanks again.”

I find Charlotte in the book and call her. No one answers, but the machine picks up.

Me: “Hi Charlotte, I was just referred to you by Aaron who was referred to me by the Humane Society. I understand you rehabilitate wild bunnies. Well, there is a gimping bunny on the corner of Third and Eighth by the curb. It looks like a possible broken leg or maybe an injury due to a fence incident. A neighbor told me that this bunny was chased earlier by five male bunnies, so maybe there was some type of attack. I hate to leave it by the curb because I’m afraid it will get run over by a car and I was afraid to move it. I hope you can take care of it. I feel badly for it, and I know I’d have a much better leg to stand on if I were a vegetarian, but I’m not, although I was about ten years ago, but I’m thinking about it again. Anyway, if you can help the bunny, I would really feel better. Thanks a bunch.”

I hung up and felt like a complete idiot. If I were Charlotte, I most definitely would not call me back. Nutball. If some dude were shot in Chicago -let’s say Logan Square- I wouldn’t even bother picking up the phone, but the bunny, that’s a whole different story.

I drove home from work tonight and turned up Third Street to see if Charlotte came to help the bunny. I saw the bunny still in the same place by the curb, flashed my lights toward it, and it was dead. I pulled into my driveway around the corner, turned off the car, shut off my headlights and cried.

The end.

Getting to the bottom of things

2006-04-07T19:53:00.000-05:00

The mysterious “rusty spoon in mail” incident is still under investigation. I’ll let you know the outcome once more evidence is collected.

An ex-boyfriend contacted me about a week ago via email. Not sure what to make of that. I couldn't tell if he was in one of those 12-step programs or just really wanted to talk because he was depressed. We went out when I was an undergrad. He was funny as fuck, and pretty fucked up to boot. Too bad it turned romantic 'cause we would have been much better off as friends. He was another brush with B-grade fame 'cause his sister was the (in)famous Flashdance actress (you know that off the shoulder cut mid-drift sweatshirt is making a come back). I wonder if he sent the rusty spoon?

People don’t believe me when I tell them about sphincter bleaching, but it’s true. Just check out crappersquarterly.com. It’s super popular in Australia right now. I guess the best cream on the market these days is called “pink cheeks.” It’s specifically made for self-applied inner butt waxing/bleaching, but you can also go to a salon and have it done for $75. Makes a nice Christmas gift for that special lady.

I drank a peculiar amount of beer last night, but I woke up as peppy as a pussy this morning. Crazy. I think I was really just babysitting that last beer, so maybe that’s why I was okay. I must say the most interesting segment of the evening was G’s demonstration of interpretive “safety hand” dance signals while walking through cubical farms. Pretty hilarious.

“Pure Sugar Magic” sent me a list of her rock recommendations in my newfound rock exploration quest inspired by the basement band posse – “trailer hitch” (I know, I wish the name was “thrifty hauler,” but some people just won’t listen). "Sugar" totally rocks, so I’m sure this is a way cool list:

Lynard Skynard
Kiss--any greatest hits
Led Zeppelin--led zeppelin IV
Poison, Open Up and Say Ah
Motley Crue Dr. Feelgood
Cinderella, Greatest Hits album
Rolling Stones greatest hits albums
Guns' N Roses, Lies, Use Your Illusion I and II, Appetite for Destruction
The Doors
Metallica, Black Album
Red Hot Chili Peppers, Mother's Milk or Blood Sugar Sex Magic (Great album!!)
Nirvana, Nevermind
Slaughter, Stick it to Ya
Jackyl, Jackyl

I’ll close with a little excerpt from my “Granny has curls” story:

“Granny always gave me advice over the years. Never waste good alcohol in any recipe ‘cause it just burns off. Don’t touch your privates! Never leave perfectly good rolls at the restaurant - just stuff ‘em in your knee highs and take them home. You can make a whole meal out of Jell-O. Don’t pick your nose! Get those fancy ideas out of your head. You must have picked that up from your mother. Stop touching your privates!”

Conference Survival Guide

2006-04-03T00:51:00.000-05:00

- Don’t forget to change your clocks if your conference happens to coincide with Daylight Savings Time.

- Be sure to take time out to hit the hotel bar for one, two or three glasses of wine or beer or a combination of both or gin & tonics if you’re really desperate.

- If you’re planning a conference, try to avoid having your keynote speaker scheduled at the same time as a Polish wedding reception in a ballroom right next door. It’s hard to compete with Gwen Stefani’s “Holla Back Girl” when you’re trying to discuss the importance of the scholarship of teaching and learning without at least some backup vocals.

- Make sure the caterer understands that tuna and chicken do not constitute a “vegetarian” option.

- Be sure to not fall into the academic conference trap of horrendous footwear, coordinated separates purchased at marginalized department stores, glasses WITH excessively large drop earrings with matching necklaces, bracelets and “art fair” scarves, and frizzy or unflattering matronly hair. PICK UP A FRICKIN’ FASHION MAGAZINE ONCE IN A WHILE – it won’t kill you.

- Freak out people in the academy by reading “In Touch” magazine in plain view in a high traffic area.

- Go ahead and sign the wedding photo memento from the Polish reception. They’ll wonder for years where those signatures came from.

- Take out those interns/teaching assistants to the local bars and fill them with pitchers of beer until they’re as drunk as little Catholic school girls.

Porqué?

2006-03-27T23:08:00.000-06:00

Why are people from the Philippines called Filipinos and not Philippinos?
Why is the local ATM machine programmed to speak with a British accent?
Why is the local catering lady so bitchy?
Why is Trivial Pursuit Book Lover’s edition so hard?
Why do I still not understand Tivo?
Why do my boobs drop a millimeter per day? Is it global warming?
Why is rice pudding an internationally favorite dessert of all countries?
Why don’t people drink more cold duck?
Why is it fun and gross to watch the rats on the El tracks?
Why is my name plate on my desk at home turned upside down?
Why do people like upside down cake?
Why is it so fun to play in the bathtub?
Why do I always think I have boogers hanging out of my nose while I’m teaching?

Neurotica

2006-03-24T18:49:00.000-06:00

I can actually feel my brain cracking from stress. It’s super sicko. This conference stuff is literally killing me. I know I’m totally neurotic, but whatthefuckever. I know trendy M understands the neurosis syndrome because she suffers from it, too.

I still don’t have the mental capacity to write in complete sentences or paragraphs, so here’s another list. I’ll just call it stupid stuff:

Not really a list of stupid stuff – just stupid thoughts:

I tried to buy a bamboo steamer at the Asian market yesterday and the girl working at the cash register asked me TWICE what I was planning on doing with it. What?

Tori Spelling’s new reality show, So NoTORIous, will premiere on April 2. I’m super psyched – even though I’ll be in Madison that night discussing collaborating in cyberspace.

That Lobster essay from “Best American Essays – 2005” rocked! It was sort of like a miniature Moby Dick about lobsters, even though I hate Moby Dick (the novel, not the other potential innuendo cause those totally rock! Shit that book nearly fucking killed me my sophomore year BECAUSE WE SPENT THE ENTIRE SEMESTER ANALYZING THE FUCK OUT OF IT AND NEVER READ ANYTHING ELSE AND IT TRAUMATIZED ME FOREVER!!!!!!!!).

I finally extracted the wooden splinter that swiftly infiltrated the thick and calloused skin of my left heel last week. It reminded me of my Mark Vonnegut incident back in 1979. I think this is before he went nutso. Maybe I made him nutso?

My tits are still fucking killing me!! Today, I actually wore TWO bras. How insane is that? Everyone keeps telling me it’s the caffeine. I’m going to try cutting down to one cup a day, but that’ll be super tough. Coffee is the elixir of life.

Ken loved buttocks

2006-03-17T22:35:00.000-06:00

In the latest issue of Vanity Fair (April 2006), there is a great original copy of evil note exchanges between the late British theater critic, Kenneth Tynan (KT), and his wife, Kathleen (K). It goes something like this (and, yes, these were typed notes):

List of things about KT currently disapproved of by K:

- Physical laziness
- Sexual remissness
- Eating habits
- Drinking habits
- Bathing habits
- Conversational egotism
- Interest in cricket
- Sloppy thinking
- Inability to dance
- Weakness of memory

List of things about K disapproved of by KT:

- Can’t spell
- Bad at games like all girls
- Bad at organization like all girls
- Bad at languages
- Talks to other men too long
- Is too polite
- Likes tasteless food

This is completely hilarious. I wonder if I should type a note to the German with a list of things I disapprove of. Actually, it wouldn’t be too hard. I think it would go something like this:

List of things about the German currently disapproved of by Dr. BF:

- Serial killer van, old cars and boats sitting in driveway as storage units
- Doesn’t use napkins as frequently as he should
- Likes Dinty Moore beef stew
- Still has ill-fitting girly like orange shorts in closet
- Too concerned with function over fashion
- Likes the smell of rubbing alcohol

I’m pretty sure his disapproval list about me would look something like this:

List of things about Dr. BF currently disapproved of by Das Deutsche:

- Napkin Nazi
- Spends too much money on dishes and then doesn’t like them
- Wastes water, food, and is energy inefficient
- Talks too much when I’m trying to sleep
- Pretends she knows how to speak German
- Asks me three times a day if I have any gossip
- Does not like the smell of rubbing alcohol

13 Strike Rolls

2006-03-11T14:39:00.000-06:00

This past week I …

Taught 11 classes
Attended several boring or perplexing meetings
Wore a summer skirt with winter tights and boots and looked like I had a hanger sticking out of my ass
Had my period
Worked ten hours of reference
Had sex (once)
Ate very salty beef stew which made me super puffy
Got really fucking tired from the barrage of emails from the Wisconsin Librarians listserv asking who has library related license plates like "info2go." Who frickin' CARES??????
Went to P&Ks house for homemade chicken soup, cheddar biscuits and wine (yum yum!)
Continued to figure out the budget for upcoming conference
Extracted a calcium deposit from right eyelid with a needle and tweezers
Realized the power of aspirin
Drank beer and watched P dance around like Lisa Lubner
Watched the basement band sport various t-shirt looks – kinda like the old Multiples store advertisements
Found out that R & N also have to “silly putty” their boobs to fit into bra cups like model clay and that I am not alone
Found my salad dressing container in Other Ns fridge
Read part of the Women’s Liberation book I have to write a review for that is due on Monday
Once again realized that my skin is most horrifying, just like sassy black girl in Chicago told me
Went to a dance performance and saw another excerpt from CATS – THE WORST MUSICAL EVER EVER EVER MADE!!!!
Vowed that I would never ever again see CATS as long as I live
Sent 72 emails
Found out that Pure Sugar Magic and Ghost Dog celebrated Tortuga’s 6-month birthday
Helped the German figure out what he has to pack and encouraged him to leave the snowsuit at home and told him that I was going to miss him :-(
Set off three smoke alarms cooking pizza in the oven
Argued [again] that Wagner sucks and no one can convince me otherwise – EVER!!!
Predicted faculty would beat me up at the workshop and they didn’t
Tried to remember the name of the bar that Tim and I used to hang out at in Chicago on George or School Street near Racine
Realized I have moved 23 times in 41 years
Got the most enthusiastic screams and hugs ever from my dance kids that performed Friday night.
Found out that G& P delivered four baby goats and they named one after me :-)

These boots weren’t made for walking

2006-03-06T22:23:00.000-06:00

Yup, I really did it today. I wore two different boots to work. Luckily they were both black, but one has a 3 inch heel and the other has almost none. Is my brain that wasted that I didn’t even notice I was limping to work or that something must have felt off-kilter? It probably ties into the dream I had last night where the German showed up to a Faculty Senate meeting in his infamous Michelin man snowsuit and showed everyone that he had his bathrobe underneath and a Geiger counter in his pocket. Creepy. I have to say today’s heel fiasco is a case where those 15 years of ballet training came in handy. I was able to teach a business class for 75 minutes with one foot on halfpoint to match the other heel as a magical disguise, all while discussing country profiles, key industry ratios and SWOT analysis reports, walking, talking, demonstrating searches AND distributing handouts. I think I fooled all 42 students, and the professor. If that’s not multi-tasking, I don’t know what is.

Someone asked me today where I was from. I told her Chicago. She said, “oh, yer from down south.” I never laughed so hard in my life.

Most frequently asked stupidest reference question: “Could you tell me where the reference room is?”

Fred Willard is uber hot! He gives me Nipsey Russell. I love that guy. I thought he was in Mary Hartmann Mary Hartmann, but maybe not. That was a great show. Really really great. He was so hot in Nussknacker. Everything sounds so fucking whacked out in German. What a royally fucked up language. Criminy.

Here’s a word of the day for the basement band posse – Trailer Hitch:

Guitar Face
The act of making an unusual face while playing the guitar. The look typically resembles a look of pain, intense ecstasy, or sometimes even plain old gas. “Man, that solo was sweet but he had total guitar face going on.”